Ah, it's New Years Eve, 2003 is about to close. It is a time when people typically gather together, celebrate and take an accounting of what this past year has meant. Also, people plan for what they wish to do in the future.

So, do I have any New Years Resolutions? Nope, I've already been thinking about what I'd like to work on both in my personal life and other areas. These things are important to me. I don't want to think of them as simply a New Year's resolution. It strikes me that the Western mind likes to divide things into neat little sections and "boxes." Life is not really that way, events flow and transition smoothly, but sometimes jarringly from one stage of life to another. Afterwards we can look back and see sections of our life where important decisions were made, and trails endured to the betterment of character. Can something as arbitrarily set as the New Year truly mark a point were decisions should be strategically or ideally made? Perhaps sometimes, but less than we think, I imagine. When it becomes apparent an action is needed... is it not a good idea to reflect then make a decision at that time rather than waiting for some holiday to formally pursue that. I hope that when I realize something is lacking in me I will decide to pursue living the way I know I should that day or week and no later.

I will grant sometimes the New Year brings about reflection that sometimes kicks us into action. That is well and good, however I want to be moving towards a way of thinking that allows me to see areas of improvement more often than once a year.

Well, beyond the "resolution stuff" I will be going to a New Years Eve party. It will be at the house of a high school friend. There will probably be a lot of people I haven't seen for a year. I'm excited to be able to get to catch up with them. Now there are some dating relationships that have survived this 2 1/2 years since we graduated, but some of my friends will undoubtedly bring along their dates... I feel a bit sorry for these people, it has to be a touch uncomfortable only knowing one or two people at a party like this.

Well, this is the last post of the year... so far I've enjoyed doing it.

Till next year....

Every so often I start a paper journal. My Sr. year in high school our English teacher taught us how to make our own. I ended up improving on his design (which he got from an earlier student) and making him hand-outs that I presume he's still using.

Anyway, journaling is a habit that I have only had modest success with. This blog is an experiment to see how I hold up in this medium. Being able to write down my thoughts is a valuable way to process things and to have a record of who I was and who I am becoming. I liked what this blog has allowed me to do, and so I started to write (sporadically) in an older journal of mine, one I made and covered with duct tape. As I perused it I saw that the majority of the entries were from my freshman year and a couple from the beginning of my sophomore year. I decided that the gap in time was a bit much so I started another one.

This continues a trend of me being unable to fill all the pages in a journal. Perhaps this new one will be different... I don't know. Only time will tell. If I do I will count it as a major accomplishment.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Every so often I sit back and evaluate what I entertain myself with. I look at the various television shows and movies that I watch and ask what they reveal about me. Some shows I watch because I like the premise and stories, others I like because they have snappy dialogue. For example, this evening my sister was watching an episode of Gilmore Girls. I didn’t watch the entire episode but that show’s writers have excellent wit. I haven’t watched the show enough to know if the stories are any good, but the dialogue is great.

A related question is, what makes stories compelling? What must a story have to make me sit up and take notice? What kind of stories move me? (Ok I realize that is a series of related questions.) As I think about it, there are a number of things that I really like to see in TV shows and movies.

1) Complex characters – It is very frustrating to watch a movie and see the characters that I’ve seen multiple times in other stories. Characters that only have a single motivation are one dimensional. I like to see characters that have conflicting desires. A sense of duty and/or honor is nice, but not necessary. Take the TV show Alias (one of my current favorites), there is a character named Arvin Sloan. He is a villain, an evil master-mind gunning for power. In the first two seasons we see him at work, trying to undermine everything that is good. However, he has a human side, a care and compassion for his ill wife. As an audience member you hate Sloan (the actor, Ron Rifkin, is amazing) but you feel sorry for him on the other hand and feel guilty about that feeling. Ambiguity is a good thing.

2) Angst or Suffering – This may raise some eyebrows, but I like it when a story has the characters suffer and go through tragedy. Real life is difficult, and tragedy and sorrow hit. Too many times popular media glosses over such realities and just wants to make you feel good. I applaud stories that are not afraid to kill main or well like characters. The struggle of Frodo in the Lord of the Rings is an excellent example.

3) Friendship – Relationships are key to any story. No person is an island. Take the Frodo example from above. He would have not made it very far if it hadn’t been for those around him, especially Sam. The willingness of another person to selflessly set aside who they are to help another person resonates deep with me. Selflessness is something that I try to emulate in my life. I may not be very successful at it but I’m inspired by stories that include it.

4) Gray areas – When I was in high school I thought in very black and white terms. I realized that there were tough moral and ethical quandaries that people faced, but they were easily solved. I’ve come to see that is too simplistic. Yes, there are some issues that are clear cut, but others put people in between a rock and a hard place. It is difficult to see a resolution that works out perfectly. I still appreciate a black and white situation, but when a character is embroiled in something messy, it makes me look inside and ask how I would react in a similar situation.

These four areas aren’t an exhaustive list of qualities that I like in a story, but they are key to what I find to be a compelling story. The gospel narratives are gripping because they portray Christ interacting with people in a way that transcends the norm. He is selfless and suffers, all for the sake of a kingdom that defies what conventional wisdom recommends. He goes beyond black and white by introducing a third option to many situations that was previously unthinkable.

With all this discussion of weighty themes and issues, it’s not to say that I enjoy a good romp once in a while. I enjoy sitting back at times and laughing at a comedy. However, when a story combines flawed, but honorable characters, some comic relief in snappy dialogue, and a series of ambiguous decisions/situations we have a winner in my book.

It is a very different dynamic being home for an extended period of time during a break from school. I wrote in an earlier post about how most of my friends from high school live a half hour to 45 minutes away from me. When you mix that with a couple of other factors… my breaks can be difficult to adjust to at times.

At school, living in a dorm I am surrounded by people 24 7. When I come home it is just my family around. If I get to see anybody else it is because I go elsewhere, and that is more an exception than a rule. It is a good thing that I am an introvert, otherwise I would truly be tortured by breaks.

So what am I doing so far on this break? Not much. I have watched a couple of movies… there are a few more I’d like to see before it’s over. I’m reading a book entitled Evangelical Landscapes. It was a book that was incorporated this semester in a class that I’d already taken. I thought that it would be a good thing to read it. I’m a couple of chapters into it, so far it’s been a good book… not quite what I was anticipating, but nevertheless worth my time to read. I’m also working on studying College Algebra and American history so I can CLEP two classes… yeah… I’m behind schedule. No surprise there. I remember now why I typically uninstall computer games during a semester, they get in the way of productivity. Well, I guess I’ll just have to try to be more disciplined.

Discipline is another thing that I wish I had more of… some people are convinced that I have loads of it. I’m not too convinced of that all the time. For instance, being behind on studying for those CLEP exams, I’m having trouble getting motivated… even though they are pretty important. I suppose there is some difference between motivation and discipline, although they tend to walk hand in hand.

Another thing I miss during breaks is the ability to banter with people… I can’t do it with my mother… too often I go to far and hurt her feelings or something like that. My sister, well, she has given up on trying to beat me in an argument. My dad will do it sometimes, but there is only so much that he can do.

Well, this has probably been the most random and rambling of posts for a while… well, I guess this means that I am looking forward for the Spring semester. Don’t get me wrong, I am enjoying my break.

I went to my cousin’s wedding today. It was very good. They put a lot of thought into the planning of the ceremony. It wasn’t just the typical format, but the scripture reading, music, and wedding sermon gave the wedding a distinctively Christian feel to it. I’ve been to weddings that any religious overtones seem to be simply an extra embellishment to the established formulae. This wedding, however, at its core cared about what scripture has to say about love.

I am very happy for my cousin and his new wife. I got a better sense of who they were because of this wedding. Since my cousin and family lived 8 hours away, I didn’t get to see him but 2 or 3 times a year max. That really isn’t enough to get to know a person very well, to see what their faith means. I realize that a wedding isn’t a substitute for Christian fellowship but nevertheless it displayed their priorities.

When I look at examples of godly relationships, I am reminded of my desire for them. I don’t just speak of the romantic/life partner kind but that particular desire is highlighted by events such as today. Sometimes it is very difficult to be patient and wait for God to reveal what his will is in this area, but I am willing. I believe that some day God will provide, not to what I want, but what he wants.

I saw Return of the King today. It was incredible. Some films have special effects simply for show. Something is done just because it looks cool. This movie used the special effects to create the epic feel but did not abandon the much more important focus on the story’s characters. A lot of films have special effects that are out of place. The effects of this movie were so well integrated with the live action elements that the universe of Tolkien’s books felt real. The movie lingered longer than I anticipated. Movies usually cut away with the action of the story incomplete. The major events have past and the “clean up” is assumed. Return of the King, however, ended after a long series of good-byes and Sam entering his home with his family. In some ways I find that to be a most fitting ending for a movie. It shows what the battle was truly about.

Something that I really liked about this movie was the fact that there were two hobbit songs. One of the prominent elements of the books is food and singing. Both were glossed over by the first books. The first one was during a feast and was just passed by, but, for me, it was an important piece of that universe that had been missing. The second song carried appropriate grief over a son trying to win his father’s love with a futile attack.

Well, I don’t intend this to be a review of the film, let it suffice to say I recommend this film and I hope that they hand Peter Jackson a contract to make The Hobbit.

The period of time after the completion of a semester is always an interesting one. Why? Grades are forthcoming. Now, I must be honest. I do get good grades. However, it was not always the case. Up through the 6th grade I was not an exceptional student. I was probably slightly above average, but not enough to distinguish myself. When I got into jr. high I improved, but I consistently had one class that gave me problems. Then, something clicked my first semester of high school and I pulled straight A's. It was then I realized what I was capable of... I finished out high school with a 4.0 average.

College introduced a new wrinkle, a tiered grading system that gave different GPA points for A-, B+ etc. I don't have a 4.0 any more, but I do hope to graduate summa cum laude.

Anyway, back to my original intent. When I am waiting for grades to come out it gives me a chance to see what I value about my education. I want affirmation that I performed well in a class. I've already know if I learned in a class or not. Sometimes, I wonder if I am too concerned with my grades. I've thought about it a lot. Grades can't objectively measure how hard on has worked, some have to bust their tails to get a C. They can't measure how much was learned, some courses and/or people don't test well. What they do report is how well I functioned under the educational system.

While I do want the A, I don't fret about my grades constantly. I do my best on my assignments... worry over the grade usually doesn't enter the picture. When I turn something in or take a test I try to avoid thinking and worrying about the grade. When you think about it once you've turned it in the grade is really set, all that is left is the wait and the revelation of what really happened.

When all is said and done the grade will only be worth what it represents. It has no intrinsic value. If the A is a reflection of hard work, learning, and growth of character, then it is worth something. In the end it is bringing glory to God and who I become (not in a vocational sense, but in the sense of character) that is of primary importance.

So, you were probably wandering how did my grades come in? All A's except a B+ in Greek Syntax.

And Tomorrow... Return of the King, I'm catching a matinee.

It's my birthday today, 21 years old in fact.

This birthday has been fairly low key. One grandmother has pneumonia (she stayed at home) and my sister had to run off to a concert right after dinner.

So, did I party up my 21st and get drunk? Nope. What I did do was very out of character for me, I took a mid-day nap. At school it is a rare thing for me to take a nap, usually I find them to be counterproductive. I try to get all my sleep in one chunk at night. I usually get enough at night so that I don't need a nap, but if I do I keep awake and just try to go to bed earlier the next night.

I did get some good gifts, but that's not what I want to be all about. I have come to a point in my life where while I appreciate people giving me things, that's not what I want. I want to be around my family and friends and experience their lives with them. Gifts are usually inconsequential in the long run.

Well, my brain is still a bit foggy from my nap (another side effect, it take more effort to get moving and thinking after a nap). I think I shall go relax now.

Went Christmas shopping today... don't really like shopping all that much.

Buying gifts can be frustrating. It's hard to know what a family member will want and/or like. That combined with the fact that I'm on a college student's budget makes it difficult to find gifts for all the people I'm buying for. Take today, I had a plethora of gift ideas for my dad. My mother? Ideas, yes, but I was in the wrong area to buy what she wanted (or at least the items that I could afford that she wanted). My sister? No ideas at all. I could get her any a movie or something of that nature, however, I've done that a lot and I think that it's time to find something else to give her. I've gotten her books in the past, but she has been very vocal about not wanting them.

My sister is smarter than me... I mean this in terms of sheer potential. However, I am the better student. She always had to ability to memorize a lot better than me. Unfortunately, my sister doesn't apply herself in the way that she could. I see her tending to coast. I went to college and discovered something about me, the desire to be a thinker... something more than just a good student. No, I don't want my sister to become a philosopher, but I would like to see her apply and stretch herself. I'm afraid that the community college she is attending will not push her enough and she will graduate with her associates and will not be equipped to think critically.

So, how do I encourage my sister to be a thinker? I gave her Mere Christianity and The Call (yes, I know some people out there are groaning at the latter). I don't think that she has read them yet. Sigh, I guess that I will just have to watch and pray that she catches a vision from somewhere, I'm not in a position to help much being away from home during the school year. I need to figure out a way that I can model what I hope for her while I am around. I wish that just shoving some good books her way would work... unfortunately, they can be a poor proxy for the direct involvement of a mentor. And, or course, they don't work if they aren't read.

So, how do I prod on my sister? I don't know, I guess I will just have to wade forward and see what doors God opens.

My last final was my Greek Syntax final. When I finally turned it in an hour after getting it I was very relieved, even elated. One, because it was not as difficult as I thought it was going to be. Two, because it signaled the end of the Fall semester. It blew by with unprecedented speed. I enjoyed it very much.

There were several key things that happened this semester that taught and changed me. One such thing was going down to Atlanta for the meeting of the Evangelical Theological Society. ETS helped clarify where I want to go as a Christian. I do not want to be a part of rank and file of American Christianity that defines who they are by what we don’t do. My Greek class and studying 1 John also helped shape my thinking on this. A lot of people might be tempted to define a Christian as one who does not drink, smoke, and sleep around… or any other number of things that are classified as a sin. Yet, is it enough to define Christianity by where we will not go or what we will not do? Is defining a system by negative statements a good thing?

NO.

John clearly lays out Christianity as being characterized by “walking in the light.” There are two key components of said walking, loving others and loving God by (among other things) obeying the example that Jesus laid down. I have had some opportunities this semester to truly ask myself if I was operating out of unconditional love as opposed to any variety of selfish motivation. Sometimes I passed the test, other times I did not. In asking these questions of myself my faith has deepened in a way that I didn’t expect. I have found that my faith, my Christian experience is most real and tangible to me when I am involved with seeking to impact those around me in a way consistent with the love that 1 John talks about.

What am I getting at here? I want to see past the consumerism and feel good façade that has been draped over what Christianity is truly about. I don’t want to live my life in the latest Christian self-help craze. I want to think and have a dynamic and real theology that permeates who I am and what I do.

What happened this semester wasn’t just confined to how I define and live out Christianity, although I think that is the most exciting thing. I would continue, but I think that it might diminish from the significance of what’s written above. Christianity is not just a descriptor of what I do, but an essential description of who I am.

Wow, the semester is practically over. All that remains is finals week, then I'm home for the holidays... studying for CLEP tests and a CDL (I need to clep math and a history credits so that I can graduate on time, I need extra licensing so I can drive a school van over Spring Break for a drama ministry team).

Now is not the time to do much reflecting on the semester... I'll do that sometime when I can sit down without the pressures of upcoming final exams. I will say this, I have learned a lot this semester. The things that I have learned took place both in the classroom and outside. More than any other semester I think I have discovered things about myself. My ideas and ideals about the future have come more into focus... blurry though they still may be.

I want to write more, but the clock right beside me looms large with the time, I will have to formulate my thoughts at another time.

The noise on the hall is a bit loud tonight; I suppose it one of the “dangers” of dormitory living. I don’t have to get up early tomorrow so I won’t make a fuss.

I’ve been thinking about a question that gets asked every so often, usually at some sort of mixer. I dislike the question very much. It is “If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? Or “If you could change one thing about your past what would it be?” These questions seem to indicate dissatisfaction with the way things are. The first one also seems to presume the inability of a person to change… and depending on the issue I suppose may be possible or not.

So, how do I answer the question? I say nothing. I do not wish to be drastically changed right now and I do not want any event of my past expunged. When I talk about not changing the past I include the mistakes, unpleasant events and even sins. It is not that I cherish these things and don’t want to let them go, but the sheer fact of the matter that my past had contributed greatly to who I am. The mistakes and sins have proved to be teaching tools in my life.

Don’t get me wrong, there are times when I am frustrated with myself, times when I want to kick myself for not being able to move beyond something, especially a sin. In a sense it would be very nice if God instantly lifted away a sin, removed the appeal of certain things to me. Yet, God doesn’t seem to work this way, He has the funny way of taking me on a journey, a process. What we have here is what I think is one of the paradoxes of life and Christianity. God is certainly able to strip away the appeal and lure of sin. He could shore up the will and the intellect to reduce or eliminate mistakes. Yet, He delights and working through and in a sense with us to, more often than not, gradually moves us to where He wants us to be. In my weakness, God sees fit to move and work, to show his mighty power.

My weakness is a humbling thing to ponder. I struggle to keep things in perspective. I realize that certain people look to me to be a spiritual leader on campus. My actions are held to a higher standard. Every so often I’m tempted to think that if I just work hard enough, discipline myself enough so that I can hit the mark. It doesn’t take long for that thought to tumble like the poorly constructed building that it is. The more I try to force myself to change, the more I realize how something external to work on my internal is needed.

My prayer this evening is for God to change me. Not in one fell swoop, I am not so ambitious, but one thought at a time, one motive at a time, mold me and shape me to be more like Christ.

Last night was fun, hanging out with the ole’ high school gang… I suppose that moniker could stand up to an update, but it’ll have to do. We hung out and talked over pizza and IBC root-beer. I did an informal survey and most of us were planning on pursuing some form of Master’s level education. Of course, all such plans can’t take into account “life variables,” as we termed them, but it is neat to see the vastly differing directions that my friends are taking. Accounting, engineering, architecture, ministry… I could keep on listing. We are each going different directions, yet still find a couple of times a year to catch up, I’m glad that I could go.

Of course there was plenty of small talk, but the most significant conversation of the evening revolved around one of my friends at OSU and the “creep” of anti-Christian sentiment, especially from the homosexual groups on campus. Attending a Christian school it is easy to lose sight of how different secular culture is. Some of the situations described are tough… when do we, as Christians, stand up and fight for our “rights?” I honestly don’t know the answer. There needs to be a balance between that and the effective witness of these organizations and the individuals that make them up. If they stand and fight they would bring down the rhetoric of the liberal voices. This is exactly why we need Christian thinkers, not just a handful writing books here and there, but permeating society. These issues are difficult to bear alone and those that choose to have my respect. How can I help my fellow believers in these situations? Obviously I will pray for them, but as someone studying the Bible and theology I can’t shake the sense that there must be something else that can be done. Perhaps it is not my place and/or calling. Perhaps someone else will be used specifically by God.

These situations gave me a lot to think of on my ride home. I couldn’t think too much about it, though. I had to focus on keeping my car under control. I left my friend’s house about midnight, unfortunately it had snowed and the wet roads had black ice in places; the crews that are normally out spreading salt and sand didn’t venture out. I like driving in slick conditions when no-one else is around, it’s fun to do doughnuts in an abandoned parking lot or to fish-tail when going around a corner. However, when you are on the interstate and the car starts to slip, well, it can be a bit disconcerting. Fortunately, God provided traveling mercies to me, although it took me an hour and 15 minutes to go what normally takes me 45 minutes (one of the disadvantages of a Christian high school, all those friends are a ways away from me).

Well, I don’t claim to have answers to the issues facing my brothers and sisters in Christ in the secular university, but I wish the best for them and I am praying.

Ah, Thanksgiving, a time of food, family, and interesting happenings.

Let me offer this proof of how small the world is. My cousin's fiancée is finishing her college education, she is an education major. Well, she was at the house today with my cousin for Thanksgiving. She mentioned that she was taking a Christian ethics course via correspondence with another school, not the one that I attend. Something went off in my mind and I asked her what the prof’s name was. Well, as it turns out she has the same prof for ethics that I do. He commutes in from another state and teaches distance ed course for this other school. What are the odds, same prof, two different schools? Seems that they are pretty remote.

Well, beside that bit of excitement, this Thanksgiving has been fairly usual. I had a good talk with my dad last night when my mother and sister went out to shop. It was good to let him know how I was doing in school, personally, and talk about my future plans. I respect my father very much. I thank God for him. Yes, there are things that I don’t see eye to eye with him on, but I’ve never had occasion to doubt his sincerity or love for me. I trust him explicitly.

I’m also excited about tomorrow. No, I don’t have plans to hit the stores at 6 AM, although my sister was scoping out the ads in the paper today. I will be asleep when she leaves. Later in the evening I will be getting together with some old high school friends of mine. I still keep in occasional contact with them, but it’ll be nice to catch up on where the Lord is leading each one of them. We’ll also have a lot to talk about with our high school changing colors, mascot/nickname, and most importantly – location. It feels like some of the ole’ roots are being pulled.

Well, this has been a random entry… not too much time to focus on a single theme. I am enjoying Thanksgiving very much, I hope that anyone who reads this is/did too.

ETS Reflection

A thick folder lies on my desk in front of me. In it are all the copies of papers that I picked up at ETS. Most are fairly plain looking papers, white paper and black ink, standard stuff. Then, there is this bright yellow paper, radiant among the “normal” papers.

Yes, this paper is set off by its color, however it also mocks me. Of all the papers I went to this one was the hardest to follow during when I heard it. The title? “Logos and Logic: Reflections on How Thinking Can (and Ought To) Be Christocentric” It was written by Edward Martin, a philosophy professor at Liberty University. The concept of relations was heavily utilized among other items of logic.

Despite the fact that I had trouble following this paper it is an intriguing one. As I’ve skimmed it for further reflection I don’t get the idea that it is impossibly above me. Instead I am excited about the possibilities and refining of my thinking that can come from the reading of it.

That is why I am here at college studying the Scriptures, why I went off to Atlanta to attend this conference. Being a good thinker is critical to the Great Commission laid out at the end of Matthew’s gospel. It is easy to become lax here at school, to fall into the daily grind and only go through the motions. But, when I put myself in stretching situations I can grow. When I reread this yellow paper I will understand it better than when I first heard it. Will I get all of it? Probably not. Yet, each step forward allows my thinking to be more consistent and my spiritual walk to grow.

The funny thing is the more I peer into the vast expanse that is scholarship, the more I realize that there is so much out there that I will not know and learn, even if I study all my life. It is a humbling prospect. In high school you tend to think that you know everything. It takes an education to realize how little you know. Some may pull back at the prospect of this moving forward without a visible ceiling, but it makes me want to reach as far as God sees fit to let me go.

I came to school with the idea that I wanted to enter “the ministry.” It was a nebulous idea(l), a field of service that would most likely end up in the pastorate somewhere. Yet, as I move on I realize that I want to be much more than a pastor, I want to be a scholar. (who knows, perhaps I'll be both) Yes, people have called me that here at school, but no, I’m not. At least, not yet. This school, no the evangelical world is full of my peers who cannot or who will not think (I suspect the later to be the case). It frustrates me. We are called to love God with all of our being, mind included.

So, when I look at the journey ahead, it does intimidate me. It will be one both difficult and long. Yet, I trust that it will be one that honors God and furthers his kingdom.

I had a thoroughly good time at ETS this past week. The experience is a hard one to package into words. The format was very much like last year. I had a schedule of paper titles. Each day I would rummage through the schedule, looking for titles that intrigued me. Unfortunately, there were a lot of papers that I wanted to go to the first day but because I can’t be in two places at, obviously, I couldn’t get to all of them. As the conference winded down the number of papers that caught my eye decreased. I found myself wishing that I could rearrange the schedule so that I could make it to all the interesting paper titles.

The best paper I went to was called “The search for the Hysterical Jesus: Harbingers of a Diminished Orthodoxy and an Ecclesiology from Below.” The general idea of the paper is that churches are shifting from providing a solid theological basis to what they do to a largely emotional and performance appeal to draw people into church. Church then becomes performance based and there is little to no substance to the church’s faith. This paper was also enhanced by the use of humor and pop-culture references to make their point.

Unfortunately, most of the papers are devoid of humor. Now, this is not a big critique. The goal of the sessions is to spread ideas and promote discussion. Academics are not stand up comedians. However, when a scholar takes the time to insert some sly wit in a paper it is much appreciated.

I learned a lot this week. It will take me a while to process all the ideas that came my way. I attended papers on Dispensationalism, C.S. Lewis, Ezekiel, Spiritual Formation, Ethics, Jonathan Edwards, Patristic Fathers, Philosophy, and the list could continue. Most of the sessions that I attended provided hard copies of the papers that were read. This will allow me to revisit those ideas so I can evaluate them. There is also a system that I can request papers to be emailed to me.

While the theme of this year’s conference was Jesus, open theism was a huge issue at the conference. Briefly, open theism believes that God, for the sake of relationship and giving humans free will, has limited his knowledge of the future. Two authors, Clark Pinnock and John Sanders were under fire for comments that they made regarding prophecy. Their accusers felt that their position denied the inerrancy of scripture, which is included in the societies statement of faith. It came to a vote and they were not excluded, although one of them, Sanders came close to expulsion/excommunication.

I would love to write more, however I am very tired after the long ride back from Atlanta today. No doubt I will continue reflecting on this on posts to come.

Tomorrow I will be getting up dark n' early; bright and early doesn't work because the sun is definitely not up at 4:00 AM. You may ask, why would I be getting up that early? I am leaving at 5 that morning for Atlanta, GA for the annual meeting of the Evangelical Theological Society. Yes, it is a theological conference.

So, what happens at these conferences? A bunch of really smart theologians read papers that they have prepared and then there is interaction and debate around the ideas presented. Oh, and I shouldn't forget the books. Just about every major Christian publisher will be there offering their books at 50% off list price, I will be spending way too much money this week :).

I went last year and it was a stretching and enjoyable time for me. I went last year mostly because of a friend's influence. After he convinced me to go it turned out that he couldn't make it. Ironic, isn't it? There I was challenged by the level that the presenters were thinking at. It made me want to be able to think like that. I have a long way to go, but I look forward to the journey.

So I will be challenged this week to be more intellectually rigorous and I will feel like a kid in a candy store, with lots of topics that I want to hear about and more books to buy than resources allow.

My freshman year of college I started to attend a local church. The first or second week that I attended it was announced in the Sunday school class that there was an opening for a weekend custodian. I had not lined up any employment at the time, so I was interested. I spoke to the youth pastor but I wasn’t certain if custodial work was what I wanted to do. I hemmed and hawed between applying for the job and just letting it slide. Then I heard someone else asking about the job. That lit a fire under me. I called and met with an associate pastor. I left the church with a set of keys. If you think about it, it is somewhat ironic. After three weeks or so of attending this church, they give me keys that will open every door!

As I look at various decisions in my life, I laugh at myself. Sometimes I can be so indecisive. The things that make a person get up off their rear and move are revealing about what makes that person tick. However, this wasn’t what I set off to comment on for this entry. What makes me tick will have to come out in bits and pieces.

The reason why I started about my job is because I want to comment on it. I am in my third year of cleaning the church and the Christian elementary school that is one of the church’s ministries. There are days that I am, frankly, tired of that job. I frequently have to keep my weekends, Friday nights and Saturday mornings fairly free and clear of activities so I can get the job done. There have been days that I have thought very seriously about quitting this particular job. I have a campus job also. It would not be as if my income would stop if I did.

However, there are a couple of things that keep me vacuuming those floors, taking out trash, and the dealing with unexpected restroom complications. First, I honestly do consider this job a ministry. I am paid for this, but working on weekends is not a position that is easy to fill. Second, I would be dishonest if I didn’t admit that the paycheck is another reason for staying. Third, this job gives me time to think.

I know that music is a huge part of my generation’s psyche. I constantly see my peers with headphones on and the music blares here in the dorm. I used to listen to music while I cleaned, but then I stopped. With the quiet and solitude that I often have from being in the building alone I can think. Just this evening I was cleaning and musing about the details of this week. The time alone allows me to examine myself.

Do I spend my time in a philosophical/theological daze? Is my attitude always correct? No, I must admit that there are times when I am muttering because of a particularly big mess.

I think back to an experience that I had last year that has transformed this job for me. I came across a friend who was working in the library. His assigned task was to go through a section of the stacks and look at each book to make certain that they were still in order. I was a bit dismayed at the tedious nature of that task and I mentioned it to him. His response has helped to shape my thinking about my current job. He told me that although this task was monotonous that he looked at it as an act of worship to God.

I was taken aback, even a bit ashamed of my initial comment. His good attitude amazed me. Serving God doesn’t require some big and interesting scheme. Serving and worshiping God can be as simple as scrubbing a toilet or trying to get candle wax out of carpet.

So, whenever my job gets me down, I try to remember that it too can be an act of worship and service.

One of the blessings (or trials, depends on when you ask me) of studying God's word here at college is the Greek experience. The first two semesters were a real challenge. Rules of grammar seemed to lurk around every corner. There seemed to be thousands of little details that needed to be remembered, to be exactly replicated in some paradigm on a stress-filled midterm or final. If I had not needed a third semester of Greek to graduate I probably would have said "Enough!" and be settled to read my English Bible and never think of Greek again.

However, I am so glad that I had to take this third semester. When I was entrenched in learning the basics of Greek grammar, it was just that, grammar. Sure, our examples were drawn from the text of the Bible, but they came out in single sentences or fragments of sentences. Devoid of context those words of truth seemed to be a little less important... but they couldn't be any less important they were the Word of God... yet it was hard to get into Greek.

This semester is different! We are working through 1st John right now. We are digging through a text that is true, that still has power to speak to us today. It's exciting! Anyone who has had studied a second language knows that translation is not a word for word thing. There can be multiple options in how to render a word. It is an incredible feeling to hold two decisions in either hand and say as Tevye in Fiddler On the Roof said, "On the one hand... but on the other hand..." It is an awesome responsibility to handle correctly the word of God. Yet, that responsibility has become fun. Sounds crazy, no? But it is fun, difficult, and stimulating all at the same time.

So, I went from thinking about taking as little Greek as I could to graduate, to working hard to figure out how in the world I could possibly fit in another semester while I was in college. This change in me speaks to a lot of things, but I think that it speaks to the awesome power of God's word the most.

*disclaimer* I am not saying that one needs a knowledge of Greek and/or Hebrew to properly handle scripture, but it is a big help in doing so and if you have the opportunity to learn a biblical language, take it!

"Those who say that they believe in God and yet neither love nor fear him, do not in fact believe in him but in those who have taught them that God exists. Those who believe that they believe in God, but without any passion in their heart, any anguish of mind, without uncertainty, without doubt (emphasis mine), without an element of despair even in their consolation, believe only in the God-idea, not in God."
-Miguel De Unamuno

So, what place does doubt have in the Christian faith? I think that many Christians fear it. There is pressure at times to have everything figured out, to have total confidence.

Well, I think that's impossible. If God can be totally understood by me then HE IS NOT GOD. He is just another being that is within my grasp, something that can theoretically be controlled. However, if he is transcendent, beyond me, then I cannot understand him completely. Thus, doubt is not the opposite of faith but an integral part of it! By being able to say "I don't know, I don't understand" and still believe, doesn't that say more than if I got it all.

I must nuance this, doubt can be destructive; it can rip a person from the faith. However, when doubt is honestly admitted and wrestled with I think it can be a very good thing.

To understand perfectly removes all possibility of faith.

So, why did I pick a blog title with such a blatant Christian/religious theme to it?

Well, I have been thinking of late how, if a person is a follower of Christ, that should have an impact on every area of his or her life. True Christianity is about a relationship with God that reaches to every fiber of a person's being. It becomes a part of the definition of who I am. It's not to be something that I simply do.

With that in mind, I am painfully aware of how selfish I can be at times. Often, I behave as if the world revolves around me. It doesn't. Scripture says that all things were created by and for Christ. So, here at a Christian college, I encounter people who's speech is continually flavored by phrases such as, "praise God" or constantly attributing things to God. Then, I examine my speech and thoughts. I am forced to conclude that I don't talk or think about God nearly (in my estimation) enough. Am I saying that every conversation that I have needs to touch on God in some way, shape, or form? No. However, I am saying that unless I am consciously looking for God, and seeking to live my life as a continual act of worship and service to God I will miss the point.

Therefore, this blog (at least at this time) is a tool that I can be reminded every time that I post to it, keep my Creator in mind. Perhaps, as I do it in this context it will spill over into verbal speech more and more.

The question of the day was, "So, are you glad that it's over?" (regarding the play) This was the inquiry that was posed to me multiple times today... I think it was over half a dozen. Although, I suppose it would be more fun to slip into hyperbole and say that a million people asked me that. But I won't.

So, am I glad?

Yes and No.

Yes, I will not miss the long hours that has consumed my life, especially these past two or three weeks where I was spending almost 4+ hours a day working on the play in some fashion. I look forward to actually having some recreational time. Also, I can focus on getting ahead of my school work. (I'm sorry that all you procrastinators want to kill me right now, but that's just the way I am)

No, I will miss the friendships that I deepened and formed with the show. I'll miss the opportunity to shoot off a prayer with someone just before the show starts. I'll miss swapping stories of theatrical exploits between scenes... or in my case during the entire first act while I sit and wait for act two to arrive. Yes, that context for relationship will be missed.

However, it is the nature of things to have life move on. Things change, that's the way that God made things. If everything remained static we'd have no opportunity to grow beyond where we are right now. I guess the challenge is to demonstrate that those friendships are really worth something by seeking a new, non-play context to continue growing them.

So overall, no, I am not sad that the play has passed. Rather, I am happy that I have an opportunity to grow.

One of the talents that God has given me is the ability to act. It is something that I really enjoy doing. I find that acting is both rewarding for the challenge and the relationships that are built during the course of a show. Well, I just finished a show this weekend, Little Women. Overall it was a good show. It was stretching because it was the first "romantic" part that I have ever played. However, the gal that I got to act with was very talented at it was a joy to work with her. I also got to forge friendships with a couple new people. This was very good. I find that in my third year of college my friends are more set than previously. It takes me more effort to make new ones because I already have a good number of them.

Just a word of play etiquette, if there is a receiving line after a show there are a few things that you should take in mind. 1) The actor is glad that you came 2) The actor is a bit exhausted after the show 3) unless you are the first person through the line the actor has heard very limited variation on "Good Job!" 4) Because of this limited variation the actor is likely tiring of hearing "Good Job!" Therefore, you might make his/her evening if you show creative compliments or constructive comments.

Well, I shall have to write further about Little Women at a later date. Above the fun and the friendships that I had during the show, I hope that the effort and the attitude that the show was approached with was honored and glorified God. His applause is the only thing that truly matters.

What does one write for the first entry? Will it be something as simple as "test?" Or, will it be a long philosophical musing? Let me just explain the title Theosebeia. It is a Greek word dealing with service or the worship of God, which I believe is the highest aim for any life. This blog will be about me and more importantly about the one who made me.