Ah, it's New Years Eve, 2003 is about to close. It is a time when people typically gather together, celebrate and take an accounting of what this past year has meant. Also, people plan for what they wish to do in the future.

So, do I have any New Years Resolutions? Nope, I've already been thinking about what I'd like to work on both in my personal life and other areas. These things are important to me. I don't want to think of them as simply a New Year's resolution. It strikes me that the Western mind likes to divide things into neat little sections and "boxes." Life is not really that way, events flow and transition smoothly, but sometimes jarringly from one stage of life to another. Afterwards we can look back and see sections of our life where important decisions were made, and trails endured to the betterment of character. Can something as arbitrarily set as the New Year truly mark a point were decisions should be strategically or ideally made? Perhaps sometimes, but less than we think, I imagine. When it becomes apparent an action is needed... is it not a good idea to reflect then make a decision at that time rather than waiting for some holiday to formally pursue that. I hope that when I realize something is lacking in me I will decide to pursue living the way I know I should that day or week and no later.

I will grant sometimes the New Year brings about reflection that sometimes kicks us into action. That is well and good, however I want to be moving towards a way of thinking that allows me to see areas of improvement more often than once a year.

Well, beyond the "resolution stuff" I will be going to a New Years Eve party. It will be at the house of a high school friend. There will probably be a lot of people I haven't seen for a year. I'm excited to be able to get to catch up with them. Now there are some dating relationships that have survived this 2 1/2 years since we graduated, but some of my friends will undoubtedly bring along their dates... I feel a bit sorry for these people, it has to be a touch uncomfortable only knowing one or two people at a party like this.

Well, this is the last post of the year... so far I've enjoyed doing it.

Till next year....

Every so often I start a paper journal. My Sr. year in high school our English teacher taught us how to make our own. I ended up improving on his design (which he got from an earlier student) and making him hand-outs that I presume he's still using.

Anyway, journaling is a habit that I have only had modest success with. This blog is an experiment to see how I hold up in this medium. Being able to write down my thoughts is a valuable way to process things and to have a record of who I was and who I am becoming. I liked what this blog has allowed me to do, and so I started to write (sporadically) in an older journal of mine, one I made and covered with duct tape. As I perused it I saw that the majority of the entries were from my freshman year and a couple from the beginning of my sophomore year. I decided that the gap in time was a bit much so I started another one.

This continues a trend of me being unable to fill all the pages in a journal. Perhaps this new one will be different... I don't know. Only time will tell. If I do I will count it as a major accomplishment.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Every so often I sit back and evaluate what I entertain myself with. I look at the various television shows and movies that I watch and ask what they reveal about me. Some shows I watch because I like the premise and stories, others I like because they have snappy dialogue. For example, this evening my sister was watching an episode of Gilmore Girls. I didn’t watch the entire episode but that show’s writers have excellent wit. I haven’t watched the show enough to know if the stories are any good, but the dialogue is great.

A related question is, what makes stories compelling? What must a story have to make me sit up and take notice? What kind of stories move me? (Ok I realize that is a series of related questions.) As I think about it, there are a number of things that I really like to see in TV shows and movies.

1) Complex characters – It is very frustrating to watch a movie and see the characters that I’ve seen multiple times in other stories. Characters that only have a single motivation are one dimensional. I like to see characters that have conflicting desires. A sense of duty and/or honor is nice, but not necessary. Take the TV show Alias (one of my current favorites), there is a character named Arvin Sloan. He is a villain, an evil master-mind gunning for power. In the first two seasons we see him at work, trying to undermine everything that is good. However, he has a human side, a care and compassion for his ill wife. As an audience member you hate Sloan (the actor, Ron Rifkin, is amazing) but you feel sorry for him on the other hand and feel guilty about that feeling. Ambiguity is a good thing.

2) Angst or Suffering – This may raise some eyebrows, but I like it when a story has the characters suffer and go through tragedy. Real life is difficult, and tragedy and sorrow hit. Too many times popular media glosses over such realities and just wants to make you feel good. I applaud stories that are not afraid to kill main or well like characters. The struggle of Frodo in the Lord of the Rings is an excellent example.

3) Friendship – Relationships are key to any story. No person is an island. Take the Frodo example from above. He would have not made it very far if it hadn’t been for those around him, especially Sam. The willingness of another person to selflessly set aside who they are to help another person resonates deep with me. Selflessness is something that I try to emulate in my life. I may not be very successful at it but I’m inspired by stories that include it.

4) Gray areas – When I was in high school I thought in very black and white terms. I realized that there were tough moral and ethical quandaries that people faced, but they were easily solved. I’ve come to see that is too simplistic. Yes, there are some issues that are clear cut, but others put people in between a rock and a hard place. It is difficult to see a resolution that works out perfectly. I still appreciate a black and white situation, but when a character is embroiled in something messy, it makes me look inside and ask how I would react in a similar situation.

These four areas aren’t an exhaustive list of qualities that I like in a story, but they are key to what I find to be a compelling story. The gospel narratives are gripping because they portray Christ interacting with people in a way that transcends the norm. He is selfless and suffers, all for the sake of a kingdom that defies what conventional wisdom recommends. He goes beyond black and white by introducing a third option to many situations that was previously unthinkable.

With all this discussion of weighty themes and issues, it’s not to say that I enjoy a good romp once in a while. I enjoy sitting back at times and laughing at a comedy. However, when a story combines flawed, but honorable characters, some comic relief in snappy dialogue, and a series of ambiguous decisions/situations we have a winner in my book.

It is a very different dynamic being home for an extended period of time during a break from school. I wrote in an earlier post about how most of my friends from high school live a half hour to 45 minutes away from me. When you mix that with a couple of other factors… my breaks can be difficult to adjust to at times.

At school, living in a dorm I am surrounded by people 24 7. When I come home it is just my family around. If I get to see anybody else it is because I go elsewhere, and that is more an exception than a rule. It is a good thing that I am an introvert, otherwise I would truly be tortured by breaks.

So what am I doing so far on this break? Not much. I have watched a couple of movies… there are a few more I’d like to see before it’s over. I’m reading a book entitled Evangelical Landscapes. It was a book that was incorporated this semester in a class that I’d already taken. I thought that it would be a good thing to read it. I’m a couple of chapters into it, so far it’s been a good book… not quite what I was anticipating, but nevertheless worth my time to read. I’m also working on studying College Algebra and American history so I can CLEP two classes… yeah… I’m behind schedule. No surprise there. I remember now why I typically uninstall computer games during a semester, they get in the way of productivity. Well, I guess I’ll just have to try to be more disciplined.

Discipline is another thing that I wish I had more of… some people are convinced that I have loads of it. I’m not too convinced of that all the time. For instance, being behind on studying for those CLEP exams, I’m having trouble getting motivated… even though they are pretty important. I suppose there is some difference between motivation and discipline, although they tend to walk hand in hand.

Another thing I miss during breaks is the ability to banter with people… I can’t do it with my mother… too often I go to far and hurt her feelings or something like that. My sister, well, she has given up on trying to beat me in an argument. My dad will do it sometimes, but there is only so much that he can do.

Well, this has probably been the most random and rambling of posts for a while… well, I guess this means that I am looking forward for the Spring semester. Don’t get me wrong, I am enjoying my break.

I went to my cousin’s wedding today. It was very good. They put a lot of thought into the planning of the ceremony. It wasn’t just the typical format, but the scripture reading, music, and wedding sermon gave the wedding a distinctively Christian feel to it. I’ve been to weddings that any religious overtones seem to be simply an extra embellishment to the established formulae. This wedding, however, at its core cared about what scripture has to say about love.

I am very happy for my cousin and his new wife. I got a better sense of who they were because of this wedding. Since my cousin and family lived 8 hours away, I didn’t get to see him but 2 or 3 times a year max. That really isn’t enough to get to know a person very well, to see what their faith means. I realize that a wedding isn’t a substitute for Christian fellowship but nevertheless it displayed their priorities.

When I look at examples of godly relationships, I am reminded of my desire for them. I don’t just speak of the romantic/life partner kind but that particular desire is highlighted by events such as today. Sometimes it is very difficult to be patient and wait for God to reveal what his will is in this area, but I am willing. I believe that some day God will provide, not to what I want, but what he wants.

I saw Return of the King today. It was incredible. Some films have special effects simply for show. Something is done just because it looks cool. This movie used the special effects to create the epic feel but did not abandon the much more important focus on the story’s characters. A lot of films have special effects that are out of place. The effects of this movie were so well integrated with the live action elements that the universe of Tolkien’s books felt real. The movie lingered longer than I anticipated. Movies usually cut away with the action of the story incomplete. The major events have past and the “clean up” is assumed. Return of the King, however, ended after a long series of good-byes and Sam entering his home with his family. In some ways I find that to be a most fitting ending for a movie. It shows what the battle was truly about.

Something that I really liked about this movie was the fact that there were two hobbit songs. One of the prominent elements of the books is food and singing. Both were glossed over by the first books. The first one was during a feast and was just passed by, but, for me, it was an important piece of that universe that had been missing. The second song carried appropriate grief over a son trying to win his father’s love with a futile attack.

Well, I don’t intend this to be a review of the film, let it suffice to say I recommend this film and I hope that they hand Peter Jackson a contract to make The Hobbit.

The period of time after the completion of a semester is always an interesting one. Why? Grades are forthcoming. Now, I must be honest. I do get good grades. However, it was not always the case. Up through the 6th grade I was not an exceptional student. I was probably slightly above average, but not enough to distinguish myself. When I got into jr. high I improved, but I consistently had one class that gave me problems. Then, something clicked my first semester of high school and I pulled straight A's. It was then I realized what I was capable of... I finished out high school with a 4.0 average.

College introduced a new wrinkle, a tiered grading system that gave different GPA points for A-, B+ etc. I don't have a 4.0 any more, but I do hope to graduate summa cum laude.

Anyway, back to my original intent. When I am waiting for grades to come out it gives me a chance to see what I value about my education. I want affirmation that I performed well in a class. I've already know if I learned in a class or not. Sometimes, I wonder if I am too concerned with my grades. I've thought about it a lot. Grades can't objectively measure how hard on has worked, some have to bust their tails to get a C. They can't measure how much was learned, some courses and/or people don't test well. What they do report is how well I functioned under the educational system.

While I do want the A, I don't fret about my grades constantly. I do my best on my assignments... worry over the grade usually doesn't enter the picture. When I turn something in or take a test I try to avoid thinking and worrying about the grade. When you think about it once you've turned it in the grade is really set, all that is left is the wait and the revelation of what really happened.

When all is said and done the grade will only be worth what it represents. It has no intrinsic value. If the A is a reflection of hard work, learning, and growth of character, then it is worth something. In the end it is bringing glory to God and who I become (not in a vocational sense, but in the sense of character) that is of primary importance.

So, you were probably wandering how did my grades come in? All A's except a B+ in Greek Syntax.

And Tomorrow... Return of the King, I'm catching a matinee.

It's my birthday today, 21 years old in fact.

This birthday has been fairly low key. One grandmother has pneumonia (she stayed at home) and my sister had to run off to a concert right after dinner.

So, did I party up my 21st and get drunk? Nope. What I did do was very out of character for me, I took a mid-day nap. At school it is a rare thing for me to take a nap, usually I find them to be counterproductive. I try to get all my sleep in one chunk at night. I usually get enough at night so that I don't need a nap, but if I do I keep awake and just try to go to bed earlier the next night.

I did get some good gifts, but that's not what I want to be all about. I have come to a point in my life where while I appreciate people giving me things, that's not what I want. I want to be around my family and friends and experience their lives with them. Gifts are usually inconsequential in the long run.

Well, my brain is still a bit foggy from my nap (another side effect, it take more effort to get moving and thinking after a nap). I think I shall go relax now.

Went Christmas shopping today... don't really like shopping all that much.

Buying gifts can be frustrating. It's hard to know what a family member will want and/or like. That combined with the fact that I'm on a college student's budget makes it difficult to find gifts for all the people I'm buying for. Take today, I had a plethora of gift ideas for my dad. My mother? Ideas, yes, but I was in the wrong area to buy what she wanted (or at least the items that I could afford that she wanted). My sister? No ideas at all. I could get her any a movie or something of that nature, however, I've done that a lot and I think that it's time to find something else to give her. I've gotten her books in the past, but she has been very vocal about not wanting them.

My sister is smarter than me... I mean this in terms of sheer potential. However, I am the better student. She always had to ability to memorize a lot better than me. Unfortunately, my sister doesn't apply herself in the way that she could. I see her tending to coast. I went to college and discovered something about me, the desire to be a thinker... something more than just a good student. No, I don't want my sister to become a philosopher, but I would like to see her apply and stretch herself. I'm afraid that the community college she is attending will not push her enough and she will graduate with her associates and will not be equipped to think critically.

So, how do I encourage my sister to be a thinker? I gave her Mere Christianity and The Call (yes, I know some people out there are groaning at the latter). I don't think that she has read them yet. Sigh, I guess that I will just have to watch and pray that she catches a vision from somewhere, I'm not in a position to help much being away from home during the school year. I need to figure out a way that I can model what I hope for her while I am around. I wish that just shoving some good books her way would work... unfortunately, they can be a poor proxy for the direct involvement of a mentor. And, or course, they don't work if they aren't read.

So, how do I prod on my sister? I don't know, I guess I will just have to wade forward and see what doors God opens.

My last final was my Greek Syntax final. When I finally turned it in an hour after getting it I was very relieved, even elated. One, because it was not as difficult as I thought it was going to be. Two, because it signaled the end of the Fall semester. It blew by with unprecedented speed. I enjoyed it very much.

There were several key things that happened this semester that taught and changed me. One such thing was going down to Atlanta for the meeting of the Evangelical Theological Society. ETS helped clarify where I want to go as a Christian. I do not want to be a part of rank and file of American Christianity that defines who they are by what we don’t do. My Greek class and studying 1 John also helped shape my thinking on this. A lot of people might be tempted to define a Christian as one who does not drink, smoke, and sleep around… or any other number of things that are classified as a sin. Yet, is it enough to define Christianity by where we will not go or what we will not do? Is defining a system by negative statements a good thing?

NO.

John clearly lays out Christianity as being characterized by “walking in the light.” There are two key components of said walking, loving others and loving God by (among other things) obeying the example that Jesus laid down. I have had some opportunities this semester to truly ask myself if I was operating out of unconditional love as opposed to any variety of selfish motivation. Sometimes I passed the test, other times I did not. In asking these questions of myself my faith has deepened in a way that I didn’t expect. I have found that my faith, my Christian experience is most real and tangible to me when I am involved with seeking to impact those around me in a way consistent with the love that 1 John talks about.

What am I getting at here? I want to see past the consumerism and feel good façade that has been draped over what Christianity is truly about. I don’t want to live my life in the latest Christian self-help craze. I want to think and have a dynamic and real theology that permeates who I am and what I do.

What happened this semester wasn’t just confined to how I define and live out Christianity, although I think that is the most exciting thing. I would continue, but I think that it might diminish from the significance of what’s written above. Christianity is not just a descriptor of what I do, but an essential description of who I am.

Wow, the semester is practically over. All that remains is finals week, then I'm home for the holidays... studying for CLEP tests and a CDL (I need to clep math and a history credits so that I can graduate on time, I need extra licensing so I can drive a school van over Spring Break for a drama ministry team).

Now is not the time to do much reflecting on the semester... I'll do that sometime when I can sit down without the pressures of upcoming final exams. I will say this, I have learned a lot this semester. The things that I have learned took place both in the classroom and outside. More than any other semester I think I have discovered things about myself. My ideas and ideals about the future have come more into focus... blurry though they still may be.

I want to write more, but the clock right beside me looms large with the time, I will have to formulate my thoughts at another time.

The noise on the hall is a bit loud tonight; I suppose it one of the “dangers” of dormitory living. I don’t have to get up early tomorrow so I won’t make a fuss.

I’ve been thinking about a question that gets asked every so often, usually at some sort of mixer. I dislike the question very much. It is “If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? Or “If you could change one thing about your past what would it be?” These questions seem to indicate dissatisfaction with the way things are. The first one also seems to presume the inability of a person to change… and depending on the issue I suppose may be possible or not.

So, how do I answer the question? I say nothing. I do not wish to be drastically changed right now and I do not want any event of my past expunged. When I talk about not changing the past I include the mistakes, unpleasant events and even sins. It is not that I cherish these things and don’t want to let them go, but the sheer fact of the matter that my past had contributed greatly to who I am. The mistakes and sins have proved to be teaching tools in my life.

Don’t get me wrong, there are times when I am frustrated with myself, times when I want to kick myself for not being able to move beyond something, especially a sin. In a sense it would be very nice if God instantly lifted away a sin, removed the appeal of certain things to me. Yet, God doesn’t seem to work this way, He has the funny way of taking me on a journey, a process. What we have here is what I think is one of the paradoxes of life and Christianity. God is certainly able to strip away the appeal and lure of sin. He could shore up the will and the intellect to reduce or eliminate mistakes. Yet, He delights and working through and in a sense with us to, more often than not, gradually moves us to where He wants us to be. In my weakness, God sees fit to move and work, to show his mighty power.

My weakness is a humbling thing to ponder. I struggle to keep things in perspective. I realize that certain people look to me to be a spiritual leader on campus. My actions are held to a higher standard. Every so often I’m tempted to think that if I just work hard enough, discipline myself enough so that I can hit the mark. It doesn’t take long for that thought to tumble like the poorly constructed building that it is. The more I try to force myself to change, the more I realize how something external to work on my internal is needed.

My prayer this evening is for God to change me. Not in one fell swoop, I am not so ambitious, but one thought at a time, one motive at a time, mold me and shape me to be more like Christ.