Theosebeia

2004-12-09T16:33:00.000-05:00

Welcome all those who followed the link from my Xanga site. I do not anticipate updating this site, but you are more than welcome to peruse the archives of this blog.

2004-09-21T22:28:00.000-04:00

I like Blogger... but I think Xanga has a bit more to offer. So, I've moved. I will begin posting my infrequent thoughts or reports on my life at

http://www.xanga.com/home.aspx?user=Theosebeia

2004-09-13T22:15:00.000-04:00

Rumors of my death have been greatly exaggerated….

Yes, I know that I have yet again there has been a long drought in posts to this blog. However, the school year has started back up and I need a dumping ground for my thoughts and experiences.

I just had a great experience today. One of the assignments for my Prayer class is to meet with someone to pray for an hour. Well, I met today and we prayed, and prayed and soon the hour was gone. I was absolutely amazed. I had thought that it would be a burden to spend a whole hour in prayer, but it wasn’t. It flew by. I was also worried that I might run out of things to pray about. But, you know what? When you pray with another person you find that you get ideas and they spur you on.

Reflecting on that time of prayer my thought no longer is look how much we fit in to that hour, but look how much I didn’t pray about. It’s exciting to me to have that hour in front of me for the remainder of the semester, and who knows, perhaps it will continue beyond the semester.

Well, I’m recovering from a cold and that kinda wiped out any completion of homework over the weekend, I guess I’d better get back to the grindstone.

2004-05-11T22:49:00.000-04:00

It has been a long time since I’ve updated this blog. A lot has happened, but now, school is out and I’m back from a trip to Chicago, life is a little slower now. However, I’m certain that shortly it’ll pick right back up and it’ll be a full summer until I start my senior year of college!

The end of the semester went just about as well as could be expected. I was largely pleased with my finals. I pulled all A’s with the exception of a B+ in Greek. Yes, that’s an abysmal 3.88 GPA for the semester pulling my cumulative GPA to 3.94. I know some people will be disgusted that I want to do better, but oh, well. I have it figured that I can get one more A- and still graduated Summa Cum Laude… which works out because I still have one more Bateman class to get through (yes, Bateman is the Greek prof.)

After school let out I stuck out for home, dropped off my stuff and on Sunday left for Chicago for my “cross cultural field experience.” I went with two other guys from school and we strayed at the Sunshine Gospel Ministries near Moody Bible Institute.

During the days we volunteered at A.N. Pritzker middle school, a magnet school near Wicker Park. We were place there by Urban Encounter, a church planting effort. It was a bit difficult to realize that we were there more to build a relationship with the school’s front office rather than with the kids. But, we did get to impact some kids, I got to do some math tutoring in a Learning Disabled classroom, boy was that a challenge. I got to help out a substitute teaching in a classroom one day… neither of us knew what was going on, fun! We did other random things in the school, like sweeping and vacuuming the auditorium. All in all our ministry at the school was good. I hope that doors are open for other people to have a great impact on the people that go to school there and that work there.

Tuesday night we went to Malcolm X college to help with an ESL (English Second Language) program. We went in with the goal of giving these students (mostly adults who immigrated to the US) a native English speaker to practice with. The second classroom we visited was interesting. It was their last class period and they were having a party of sorts, there was food, salsa music (due to the class’ predominately Latino populace), and dancing. We introduced ourselves and started talking with the members of the class. I sat down and started talking with some people. After a while they started to want to know if I wanted to dance. I initially resisted, I don’t know how to salsa. But, they were persistent so, eventually I relented and learned the basic step and a couple other things. This went over very well with the Latinos, they had fun seeing a white guy like me make a fool of myself, it was fun. I then showed one off some of the swing moves that I did know, salsa is close enough to swing dancing that I had a hard time keeping my swing dancing out of the salsa step.

One of the guys in our group spent most of our time there talking with one guy. Afterwards he approached us as we left and invited us for dinner the next evening. We accepted. So on Wednesday we found his apartment. Including him there were 6 people that showed up from the ESL class. Mexico, Peru, and Chile were represented. We ate and looked at his picture albums. We talked a lot. There were frequent bursts of Spanish as they tried to figure out how to say different things. It was one of my first times with that kind of language barrier present, but we managed.

They of course had beer at this gathering. As good hosts they repeatedly offered us some, we refused. After a while this led to them asking our ages, when they realized that we were old enough to drink one of the ladies asked us what “religion” we were. This led to a good conversation about the differences between Christianity and Catholicism. We had the privilege of sharing the basic tenants of our faith. They were very receptive about what we had to say. Of course we tread lightly on the issues of praying to saints and Mary. It was a time for tact and not insulting them, I think we managed to put “we disagree” in a way that didn’t’ offend them.

It was an amazing evening of just being on their turf and learning about them and sharing what we believed. We ended up spending 4 ½ hours there, incredible. It was truly the highlight of the week.

More posts on Chicago to come.

2004-04-22T23:20:00.000-04:00

Wow, it has been a while since I've taken the time to write in my blog. I've probably lost any readers that I have, Oh well. My room-mate situation has worked out and I'm going to live with Dave, who I lived with my first two years of college. Dave and I are very different but I think we get along splendidly. I'm looking forward to it very much.

The big news in my life right now (other than the last day of classes being tomorrow) is that I may end up filling a pulpit for the summer. Yes, I may be a preacher. I've been in dialogue with a church not too far from my home, about ten to fifteen minutes away. It's a slightly scary thing, but I'm excited about the doors that God seems to be opening. I guess I'll try to step through and see if the door stays open or slams in my face.

But, before I can get to that... finals next week, Greek will be tough.

2004-04-05T22:46:00.000-04:00

The roommate search can be incredibly frustrating. I want to get into a four man apartment, but we need to get the fourth man. Most of the people that I would want to room with are involved with student leadership and they are locked into rooms as RAs or Growth Group Leaders, sigh.

So, do I really don't know where my head will rest next school year. I guess I'll just have to wait and see.

2004-03-24T22:45:00.000-05:00

Just when I thought that I would not get involved with the spring musical, Oklahoma, I got asked to run sound for opening weekend. Of course I said yes. When I think about it, boy was that a close call, I almost had to pay to see the show, gasp!

Anyway I have enjoyed (more or less) the rehearsals. Oklahoma is like many other musicals in that it has a rather forgettable story, but fun music. There are some dance sequences that are fun and I imagine with a bigger cast and a bigger stage (Little Theatre is very small for a musical) they would be much better.

My role as a sound guy isn’t very demanding, it is fun, however to be around my theatre friends. I haven’t been able to hang out with them like usual this semester. Hmmm, I guess not being in the cast does that.

The only downside of agreeing to do this is that it has really screwed up this week as far as homework goes. It was supposed to be a relaxing week with lots of extra time to relax and work ahead. Spending 3 ½ to 4 hours in rehearsal sort of puts a crimp on everything else. Oh, well I’ll get it all done somehow.

So, I guess I’ll do some homework now.

2004-03-23T23:37:00.000-05:00

This past weekend I went home to see Hello, Dolly! at my alma mater (That’s the HS I graduated from if you didn’t know that). The couple that runs the drama department at the school has been doing it for 27 years. The have built the program on excellence and hard work. However, the school is moving and they are moving on as well. So, this is the last production they are overseeing.

Quietly an alumni reception was put together, a surprise party if you will. After curtain call and receiving line there were deserts and pictures from various productions over the years. There was over 100 alums there… I wouldn’t be surprised if the number was close to 200. Hey, when you impact lives in such a huge way for so long you manage to bless lots of people.

These two people were instrumental in forming who I am today. The lessons I learned from them still inform my decisions and the way I live. They believe that the job of the Christian “is not to do the extraordinary, but to do the ordinary in an extraordinary way.” As I reflect on that statement I agree with it. Yes, God may do extraordinary things through us, but he desires that we live out every day in an eternal way. Living eternally goes against a lot of our logic, it takes faith and is an extraordinary thing to see.

Anyway, Mr. & Mrs. C will be greatly missed. The glory years of my high school’s drama department have passed and they must rebuild now. It saddens me to see it happen. But more than sad I am so incredibly grateful for God bringing them into my life to teach me valuable lessons and to encourage me to be excellent.

2004-03-13T16:46:00.000-05:00

I know this isn’t very deep… but when I got in my car yesterday to drive it for the first time since before Spring Break I said “Boy is this weird!”

A week of driving a twelve passenger van will get you used to sitting up a bit higher than a coupe.

Since I’m on my car… my tailpipe rusted through where it comes out of the muffler. So, there’s been this rattling sound as the pipe bounces around, very annoying. I crawled under my car and used a coat hanger to put it up so it wouldn’t make that noise anymore. While the car is still noisy because it’s missing part of the exhaust system, I’m glad that rattling is gone.

2004-03-09T16:02:00.000-05:00

Here are some of my thoughts that I typed while in Florida. It was a very positive time. Remnant got along splendidly and we had lots of fellowship, fun, and ministry. I'm certain I'll ponder that a bit more later.

Monday March 1, 2004
Florida, finally. After two days of travel we are finally in the sunshine state. The weather, after the Midwest is quite something. Outside the door is a lightly clouded sky and the temperature is very, very nice.

The trip down was without incident. I enjoyed the opportunity to drive about half of it. It gave me something to focus on some of those stretches where everyone is trying to sleep. I find the opportunity to relax and just think to be a very fulfilling time (It seems like a value sheer pondering time these days).

One of our activities was “van question” basically we just took turns asking each other probing questions. Unfortunately I couldn’t participate as fully as I would have liked because I was driving. It is difficult to hear what is going on in the back row when I’m all the way in the front. This took place after dark and I found that the conversation was very stimulating to keep me alert, much more so than any song could have.

The music selection left some things to be desired at times. I do not have a great affinity for rap or country music. It’s not that I hate it, but there are other forms of music that I find much more enjoyable to listen to. However, that only made up a very small segment of the trip so I don’t have anything to complain about.

I was talking with a guy in the group before we left and he mentioned that it might be nice to be able to watch movies on the trip. So, I agreed to bring my laptop to play DVDs on during the drive. The funny thing was that no ones CD players quite worked right so we ended up using my laptop to play music on the way down. It was definitely overkill, but it did the job and did it well. Of course, having it on the road with me make me a bit nervous about it getting damaged, but I think that it will be all right. Hey, without it I wouldn’t have gotten to see Seabiscuit for the first time on Saturday (yes, I know that I’m behind the times).

On Sunday we had our first “show” on the trip. However, it would be a stretch to call it a show. We only did two skits (of course I wasn’t in either of them). It made for an easy Sunday, but it was a bit frustrating to be regaled to the equivalent of special music.

Friday March 5, 2004

I find it hard to believe how fast this week has gone, and how fast it continues to progress. So much stuff has happened that I’m not exactly certain where to begin. I suppose I should go chronologically. Monday we did a chapel service for the Sonshine Christian school. It was a small school and we had a very wide range of grades. Personally I would prefer to only do high school and up. Why? I love kids but some of our stuff is written more for an bit older audience, especially “How Deep the Father’s love” since it deals with the topic of abortion. However, having a younger section of audience produced laughter in places that I would not have expected. I suppose that each time we do our skits the audience doesn’t have to “get” what we are trying to say. It may be enough just to be those “cool college kids” that did some entertaining stuff. Later that day we went out on a river to do some boating. I would have liked to try the tubing but I didn’t have a swimming suit, so I abstained. It was fun to watch.

Tuesday was our day of fun. We went to Universal Studios. When you stop and think about the type of amusement park it is; it really is kinda stupid. Sure, they have some very sophisticated experiences, but its all make believe and doesn’t really have any long term benefit, at least when compared to how stinkin’ much it costs to get in. However, I did have a blast and it was worth it. I think the main reason why it was so fun is because Remnant stuck together and did it all as a team. When you combine that with how relaxed and uninhibited we can get with each other it makes for a very fun experience. For example, we went of the Back to the Future ride. The “delorian” that we ended up riding held 8 people, so it was just our team on this ride. In the waiting room we psyched ourselves up and the yelled and screamed at the appropriate places. It was a very fun day. After we finished at the park we went over to Spring Hill.

Spring Hill Bible Church (Baptist) (yes the sign in front of the church read just like that. We thought that it was funny that they put the Baptist in parenthesis right under the name of the church. Anyway one of our team member’s grandparents attend that church. I got to stay with them. They are a lovely old couple. They were fun to listen to talk. The husband would say something and his wife would quickly correct him if she thought that he was wrong. He also was very well read and knew theology. He made some comments that I didn’t necessarily agree with, however I thought it was intriguing that he was seeking to balance what he knew in his head with stuff written to the heart. I’m not certain that I’m comfortable with a dichotomy like the one he established, but he definitely is right in wanting to have more than just simple knowledge. I hope that I can achieve a balance in how and what I learn.

So, we did a Wednesday evening service for Spring Hill. Actually I think that it is the best service that we’ve done to this point. We had the most time and rolled out a new skit. The way we ended up arranging it was that of the first four skits, three of them we Old Testament focused and then we transitioned to New Testament/ Jesus focus. It worked really well, then our final piece looked at present day forgiveness because of what Jesus did on the cross. Afterward I think the best piece of encouragement I received was from P’s grandfather, I told him that I was glad he liked it. He said, “Liked it, it was more than liked it, I was blessed by it.” I think this is an example of why this show was so positive. The congregation really reacted well and appeared to be quite challenged by some of the stuff we had to say. Since we’ve written all but one of the skits that we do and we’ve all contributed in some way or another to every one of them, we own them and it’s very gratifying to seem them being effective.

Thursday morning we had breakfast with a couple in the Spring Hill church, both had lost their first spouse and then remarried. The guy was a retired preacher, a very wise man. When he got into advice/preaching mode I got nuggets of wisdom to chew on. I think the thing that I thought most about was his statement that “when God says ‘no,’ he’s got something much better for you.” It was challenging to ask myself if God says no to the things that I want most right now, am I willing to say, “ok” and move on? Yes, that’s a question of faith which I hope I can trust when God does say no.

We came back to Fort Myers after breakfast. The team then went to the Fort Myers beach. I decided to stay back and avoid the beach. I watched some TV, but that got boring rather quickly. So, I did some work on a paper that is due the Thursday after we get back. I got 2 or 3 pages written. It wasn’t the most enjoyable afternoon that I’ve every spent, but I needed to get that work done.

That evening we had a small service, It was interesting that we pulled out all of our monologue type skits, we only had one skit that truly had dialogue. Because of that factor I think that it is my least favorite show to this point. I like monologues, but I think that character interaction can be much more interesting to do. Afterwards we played a bit of basketball, I’m reminded that I am extremely competitive. By the time we were done I was completely drenched.

Then we went to see the Passion of the Christ. Oh, wow, it was the most intense movie no, the most intense film that I have ever seen. The way the Jesus underwent this incredible amount of suffering willingly was very powerful. I will admit I did cry during several points during the story. It is an experience that I don’t want to forget. I don’t want to be calloused to the fact that Jesus did die a horrific death. I found myself tempted to retreat into a simple artistic evaluation of it for it was very well done. There we multiple times that I marveled a the way a shot was done. Visually a remarkable achievement.

Right now I’m debating whether or not to see it again. I’m afraid that if I do I will start to become desensitized to the message of the film about the power of Christ’s suffering. The gore in it is not something easy to endure. However, I think that the movie is such an achievement that it probably should be viewed again. I don’t know I’ll have to think about it some more.
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So, that a lot of reading... I salut those who read it all.

2004-02-26T22:05:00.000-05:00

This week has been a very interesting one. Midterms plus large paper is not a good combination. However, the paper is 5 or so pages from completion and it is looking manageable.

The real excitement is going to Florida on Saturday with Remnant. I am pumped. This will be my first spring break away from home. Yes I will miss the opportunity to almost completely veg out like I have in the past (Last year, watching Band of Brothers in like 3 days was incredible), but the chance to get to encourage the believers and get the gospel out is an awesome opportunity. The week will be packed with shows at churches, a Christian school and a youth camp. Yes, we will have some time to relax.

I suppose I don’t have much more to say. I will be certain to put a choice story of spring-break-happenings up when I get the time during the week, or dump it all at once when I get back to school.

2004-02-21T00:02:00.000-05:00

I just got back from “Chill at the Grille.” It was an informal time to ask questions about the Seminary attached to the college. We talked about lots of things, ministry, school work, and basically just what it is like to training for ministry.

Me, being the introvert that I am, sat and pondered, soaking it all in. I have pretty much decided to go into seminary. I still have another year of college to go, but I have this undeniable sense that ministry is where I want to be, but I have no idea what type of ministry.

All of these options float in front of me. I see the academia and the scholars. I like what I see. I come back from a time like tonight and the pastoral side of ministry seems to be more appealing. Which do I choose?

I know that God has given me a good mind and a love for learning. What does that imply for future and current ministry? I know that I love the process of communicating, whether by speaking and teaching or through less direct means like drama. What does that imply for future and current ministry? Where does God want to use my skills and talents? I know I will be involved in a local church. But what capacity? Will my time be spent on a college campus and will that be my primary ministry and church involvement will be something non-vocational? Or will I be full-time in a church some where?

Sometimes I think that the appeal of the academic side of things is that in some ways it might be easier. Sure learning Hebrew and Greek is hard and thinking through theology can make your head spin, but compartmentalization can still occur. I don’t want that to happen. I don’t want to retreat behind an academic wall and stay there. If I am learning anything this semester it is how much I don’t truly know how to do Christian community, to get involved in other believers lives in a way that drives us deeper and closer to God. I want to be able to do that in a real and dynamic way. The “how” of that is still vague.

Oh, I know I’m just rattling off thoughts right now. I don’t know if I’m even making much coherent sense. I don’t think that I’ve had so much stuff in my thinking in process like this before. I’m trying to figure out what’s going on with my academics, spiritual, and relational areas of my life… it can be confusing at times.

I desperately crave prayers, and God’s guidance. He will lead, I must hope that I’m obedient enough to follow as He does.

2004-02-17T12:48:00.000-05:00

Today was Remnant chapel. Boy was it fun! Our skits seemed like they flowed well, I didn’t notice anyone mess up their lines. The student body laughed at the funny skits, and you could hear a pin drop after the serious ones at the end (to use to metaphor, actually you couldn’t hear a pin drop because the floor was carpeted, but hey).

Now, it’s difficult to keep it in perspective, to not get a "big head." As people are telling me “good job” I want to be gracious and not get prideful. I am very pleased with how our skits have come together. Too many times skits written by Christians can be forced and err on the side of “cheese”. We tried to make skits that don’t show their hand till near the end and draw people into it, get their guard down and then come in with the message, but not overdo it with some long, sermonette monologue. I think we managed to do that.

To those that were in the peanut gallery. How did we do? What was your favorite skit, why? Could anything have been done better? Feel free to comment or send me an email.

2004-02-09T12:42:00.000-05:00

At the end of my last semester I sat down with the check sheets for both my majors, Bible and Communication. My goal, to try to plot out what I needed to do to graduate in 4 years. Well, I was confronted by the fact that my majors didn’t really overlap. My calculations revealed that I needed to CLEP a course or take a summer school class to graduate on time. I also kind of wanted to take the 4th semester of Greek. So I decided to study and take the Algebra and American History CLEP tests.

Well, two weeks ago I passed the Algebra (as you can read in a post below) and this morning I passed the American History I. It wasn’t as hard as it could have been. I got a score of 65 (on a scale of 20 to 90), where the pass, fail line is 50. I am extremely grateful to the two people who I borrowed stuff from to study for. Thanks M. Thanks P.

It is a big relief. I feel better now about my decision to take the 4th semester of Greek, which I don’t need to graduate but I feel that it is important to have. I think I may actually petition to have Greek count as an elective (I may have some difficulty scheduling the last two semester with courses overlapping in time, etc.). If that works I won’t have to take 18 and 19 credits next year but 18 and 16, which would be very nice to have to bust my rear both semesters.

2004-02-07T11:51:00.000-05:00

Do I have inalienable rights?

Talk to just about every American and I think you would get an affirmative answer. It is a basic assumption in our Declaration of Independence. “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.”

Do I agree? No.

Everything that I am and that I have has been given to me by the One who created me. The idea of the word inalienable means that these things cannot be taken away. I’m sorry, but which one of the rights in that list is not easily denied? Give a person a knife and one strategic stab or slice and whoops, a person has just been deprived of their rights.

I do not believe in rights.

Since all that I am and have is a gift, and not mine intrinsically, do I have any platform to demand that I be given anything?

I do believe in valuing people.

Just because I don’t think I have any rights, doesn’t mean that I don’t think there are standards of conduct and propriety. One of the first things that scripture states is that I am made in the image of God, I am an image bearer. I am also told that God loves me and sent his son to die for me. Therefore my expectations of how people should treat me and how I should treat others flow from that fact, not from any sense of rights.

Why do I make this distinction, don’t I end up at the same place?

The way a person that believes in rights and a person who thinks like I do will probably behave very similarly. This is until a “wrong” is done to me. It seems to me that the idea of rights produces a form of pride and a feeling of entitlement. I cannot justify, in my mind, a position that will often leaving me looking to the heavens decrying the things I don’t like. I think that God’s plan does entail things that I don’t like. When this stuff happens should I protest that my rights have been violated? If God gave me inalienable rights would he violate them? That would be inconsistent on His part.

I am forced to conclude, I have no rights… except those things given to me which are temporary, provisional, and revocable.

2004-02-03T19:06:00.000-05:00

Busy is a good descriptor of my life right now. It feels like I am practically on the move from when I get up at 6:30 till I go to bed at night. And ya'll out there wonder why I didn't try out for the musical... that's why.

Well anyway, Remnant had it's first "show" this Sunday. It was a youth group Super Bowl party. It was an easy show to start off with. We only did one really heavy skit (and I wasn't even in it), the rest were our funny stuff. We had some more stuff planned but when one of the members of the team is sick... it makes it interesting scrambling at the last minute to cover for her. Oh well, such is the nature of such things. We canned one of the skits that she was in and filled in for the rest.

All things considered we did a pretty good job. The youth group wasn't too responsive in terms of laughter. The room was big so it was hard to make out any laughter. I'm certain there was some, those skits are just too funny not to laugh (just come when Remnant does chapel Tues February 17th), but we just couldn't hear it. And some of the teens were practically gushing about how much they enjoyed some of the skits.

I'm excited about were Remnant will go, I'm not talking specifically about the various churches and schools, but about the ministry opportunity it affords. So many times I am skeptical at best about "Christian" skits, particularly adaptations of Biblical Material. Too many times it seems force, unnatural, surfacy. They tend to lack freshness. The skits that we have in our arsenal don't feel trite to me. Even the funny ones have a nugget of heart, something to provoke though. They each have a purpose and don't (In My Opinion of course) fall into the cliche nature of a lot of Christian drama.

I also look forward to the opportunity to get to know the rest of the team better. I respect every member of the group.

Well, I must get going. Oh, as a matter of curiosity if you read this could you comment? Not anything long, just a sentence. I know that I have one faithful commenter... I'm wondering how I might be able to increase some traffic and perhaps even get some discussion going on in the comment arena.

2004-01-29T19:14:00.000-05:00

Well, the news came out yesterday. The musical Oklahoma! has been chosen as the spring semester show. This announcement has lead to a solid decision in my mind. I cannot possibly participate in this musical, I am simply too busy otherwise.

This decision, while not earth shattering, is a significant one. Theater is a major portion of my life. Acting and/or the technical side of theatre has consumed countless hours of my life. I can honestly say I love it. So, it is no light matter to decide not to even try out for the show. I have, in a way, agonized over this decision. No, I haven’t lost any sleep over it, but it makes me step back and evaluate my time.

As a double major in both Bible and Com. I’ve spend most of my time, probably taking Communication classes. I’m closer to that degree right now than I am the Bible degree. I’m looking down the road, anticipating seminary and then entering into some form of ministry, whether it be pastoral, parachurch, or remaining in the world of academia. I ask myself, what role will theatre have in my life? Will I be regaled to just a spectator. Will, perhaps I have a chance to you my talents in concert with whatever form of vocational ministry I enter into. Will I do community theatre on the side? I don’t know.

I’m grateful however that I am just a junior. I still have next year’s shows to look forward to. But I do want to be intentional in how I spend my time and efforts. While I love the theatre, it is not my goal in life.

2004-01-27T13:27:00.000-05:00

The test results are in, I don't have to take a collegiate math course (for a Gen Ed requirement)!

I went in yesterday and took the College Algebra CLEP (R) test. I went in fairly confident, I had up to a semester of calculus in high school, I figured that I would be ok with algebra. So, I borrowed a couple of algebra textbooks, and flipped through the pages, reminding myself of concepts and formulas etc. I bought the study guide and worked through the problems. I got about half of them right, which was Ok because it said that the CLEP tests were designed so an average student just completing that subject would get about half of them correct. Since I had completely forgot how to use logarithms I figured I'd remind myself of a couple of things and I would be fine.

So I get to the testing center and I was told that the pass fail line was 50. I was also told that each question resulted in one point. All of a sudden my odds didn't seem so good. The test was only 60 questions long... missing less than ten seemed a bit difficult. But, I went though with the test and, actually, it didn't have as many hard problems as the study guide. As time wound down I got down to just 10 questions that I honestly didn't know if they were right. I figured, well I hope that I didn't make any stupid mistakes any of the other problems...

The score popped up on the screen.... I got a 69, wait, the test was only 60 questions long.... and it wasn't supposed to be a percentage. Well, it turned out that the raw score is put on a scale from 20 to 80 and 50 on that scale is the pass fail line.

So it's official... I think I can graduate on time!

2004-01-24T14:38:00.000-05:00

Blogspot is watching....

How so you may ask, well they lift key words from the text of my posts and put advertisements up. I've been watching to banner ad up top that makes this little blog free, and it follows my posts pretty closely.

I use words like Christ, Christian, faith, crucifixion, ads for Bible study and Calvinistic materials appear.

I comment on attending a New Years eve party, ads for party supplies etc.

Now this is all well and good, but annoying at times.

For example, I commented on a major event in my cousin's life, getting a wife. I'm not going to use the w word, because it might trigger ads again for someone who will perform that ceremony for g@y couples (notice I'm afraid to see what the real spelling of that word will bring to the banner ad) or other related issues.

But, I'm not annoyed enough that I'll pay for the site that is free of ads.

Just remember, Blogspot is watching...

2004-01-23T13:42:00.000-05:00

I normally would just up and advertise for something... but I am really looking forward to "The Passion of the Christ" coming out sometime next month. What I've read about it makes me very excited. It's about time someone put a more graphic crucifixion on the screen. It's too easy to replace the depth of Christ's sacrifice and suffering with the pop artwork with just a few streaks of blood.

I know that trailers can be cut to make any movie (well just about any movie) look good, but I like what I've seen to this date, check it out for yourself. http://www.thepassionofthechrist.com .

2004-01-21T12:47:00.000-05:00

The other night my next door neighbor in the dorm decided that a couple of minutes right before quiet hours that he would blast some music. The RA told him to turn it down, but he retorted "Its not quiet hours yet!" This was at least the second time that I have heard him make that defense for his music. I got mad... it doesn't happen too much, but I did.

I marched over to his room and told him that we needed to talk. I told him that he was following the letter of the rule, but not the spirit. He thought I was over-reacting. I was, in the sense that I confronted him angrily. When the exchange was over I was convicted with how I handled the entire situation. I should have calmed down before I confronted him. So, I had to swallow my pride and the next day I asked him for forgiveness on how I handled myself.

But my quandary is how do I confront him in the future? Just yesterday I was in my room working on some homework and some very loud music came through the wall from him. Part of me wanted to go back over and sarcastically thanking him for the privilege of listening to his music even louder after it comes through the wall than I normally listen to music. It didn't help that the lyrics to a couple of songs didn't strike me as being particularly appropriate. I'm not in a position to dictate what he listens to, but I would rather not listen to that junk. I don't care how cool a song sounds... I care about its lyrics just as much if not more. Since I had just blown a confrontation the previous day I didn't go over to his room. He's established a pattern of behavior that concerns me to some extent... I guess I'll just have to play this one by ear (no pun intended).

Well, beyond this neighbor issue someone went out of their way to encourage me on Sunday. Saturday night some people came over to the dorm and hung out in my room for a while. Someone was looking at my bookshelf and I used that opportunity to tell the story how I had lent a copy of a book to a friend over the summer. That book was chewed up by his dog. I said I was probably going to get another one when I has some spare money. I didn't think much of the issue, I'm getting a lot of mileage over that book getting eaten, hey it's a funny story. Well when I got back from doing laundry on Sunday there was a package on my desk. One of the people who was in my room gave me a copy of my eaten book. It was a very thoughtful gesture. And for those of you keeping etiquette score out there, yes I did send a thank-you note.

Whenever someone steps out of their way to encourage me it challenges me. It makes me realize how little I truly do things for others. Sure, if something is on the way I'll probably do it. There are times in my life when I make a concerted effort to "bend over backwards" for a friend, but could I do more? Probably. I guess that is another thing to add to the list of things I want to emulate in my life... an encouraging and giving spirit.

2004-01-17T06:48:00.000-05:00

Crazy
by Mercy Me

Why would I spend my life longing for the day that it would end?
Why would I spend my time pointing to another man?
Isn't that crazy?

How can I find hope in dying with promises unseen?
How can I learn Your way is better in everything I'm taught to be?
Isn't that crazy?

I have not been called to the wisdom of this world
But to a God who's calling out to me
And even though the world may think
I'm losing touch with reality,
It would be crazy to choose this world
Over eternity.

And if I boast let me boast in filthy rags made clean
And if I glory let me glory in my Savior suffering
Isn't that crazy?

And as I live this daily life I trust You for everything
And I will only take a step when I feel You leading me
Isn't that crazy?

Call me crazy, you can call me crazy.

Call me crazy.

2004-01-15T13:13:00.000-05:00

Every so often someone comes alongside of me, not necessarily physically to encourage me in my education. Whether it is a gift of money or a book or something like that I am always a little amazed at it. These are typically people who are back home, I have little to no contact with them because I'm away at school so much.

Well, yesterday I got a postcard in the mail. Someone from around home decided to give me a gift subscription to the Biblical Archeology Review. In fact my first edition came today. Now, I have a pretty good idea who sent me this gift, and I am appreciative. The man in question doesn't know me very well, but probably the two times that I've interacted with him about some resource, it has been anonymously given to me. Last year I got the IVP Bible Background commentary set.

I find myself in a place where I would like to give him thanks, but I'm not certain how to do it. Since he hasn't identified himself I don't want to assume to much. Despite the fact that I'm 95% certain who these gifts are from (even there I'm assuming they are from the same source) it is only an inductive inference. Perhaps I will send a short note to be put in the church bulletin back home.

Being encouraged in such a fashion makes me pose the question, How do I encourage others? I probably should go out of my way more than I do... anyway, it's an interesting thought.

2004-01-09T22:22:00.000-05:00

My freshman year I got up almost every morning to pray with a senior on the hall, the student body chaplain. That year saw some good things happen in my life. The act of focusing on God and praying for others helped to focus me spiritually. It was a discipline that I valued immensely. My sophomore year I tried to start something up like that. However, it didn't quite work. I didn't have the same motivation that I had the previous year. So, that discipline vanished. I can honestly say that last year saw some steps backwards for me in the area of spiritual discipline.

This isn't something that I enjoy admitting. It would be wonderful if I had it "all together," but I don't. So, why do I bring this up? This semester a friend on the hall approached me to ask to pray regularly. He and I prayed a couple of times last year when I had some things weighing on my heart. So this first week of school, every night we have sat down, talked and prayed. Just this week I have seen a very positive improvement in my attitudes and ability to avoid sin. Was it a perfect week? No. But, I am re-discovering what I should not have forgotten. When one is spending time with God, the sinful things that previously had so much appeal are seen for what they truly are, deadly.

It's a struggle to get my Christianity to be consistently expressed in all my actions. I would say the lesson of this week is to not forget the power of prayer and fellowship with other believers.

2004-01-07T12:34:00.000-05:00

The room is now re-arranged, and a new bookshelf graces a wall… well it doesn’t grace it, but it is laden with books anyway. It was a good thing that I bought a new one, my old one was just too small to hold all that I wanted it to. I now feel like I have oodles of room. One of the nice things is that I was able to bring in some extra lighting so I don’t have to depend on the florescent bulb in the room. It makes for a much more warm feeling to the room. My list of things I need to pick up from Wal-Mart is growing though… I look at the list and dread the total of what it will cost me when I go. Oh, well soon enough I will be able to stop spending money almost entirely and resume saving.

On another note today is the first full day of classes. I have had two already with one more on the way for today. Philosophy and Film, Faith, and Popular Culture are the two I’ve had so far. Both classes look like ones that I will enjoy very much. The Philosophy class looks like it may be time consuming to read the assigned reading several times to grasp it. The Film class doesn’t look like it’ll take too much time relatively. It seems with the exception of the weekly quiz and the paper everything will be done in class.

The thing that makes this semester so exciting (well one of the things) is the focused nature of all my classes. I’m taking 5 classes that pertain to my major and only 1 gen ed class. I will be in the stuff that interests me most this semester, I will be able to have a narrower academic focus in a sense. Now, the flip side of the coin is that this could make the semester the hardest on record, I guess only time will tell.

2004-01-05T18:40:00.000-05:00

Well, It's good to be back at school. I now begin the fun process of getting all my stuff unpacked and put away. I need to go to Staples and get another bookshelf, my storage situation is getting kind of rediculus. With the books I got this break I now have them laying all over the place, and more are on the way.

Classes start on Wednesday. I have tonight and tomorrow to get myself ready.

2004-01-03T20:37:00.000-05:00

I just upgraded the RAM on my laptop (I went from 128 to 256). The improvement in performance is marked. I didn't expect it to make as big a difference as it did. It boots up faster and programs open and close faster. I am pleased.

Well, it is a New Year... but more practically it is about time for a new semester. I am looking forward to it very much. I will be taking:
Use of Old Testament in Hebrews (it's a Greek Class)
Philosophy and Christian Thought
Genre: Epistles
Defining Doctrines of the Christian Faith
Film, Faith, & Popular Culture
Physical Science Survey (hey, I have to get a science gen-ed in)
Yes, you did count right, that is 6 classes and at 3 hours each means that I will have 18 hours of classes. It's a heavy load, but with the exception of the Physical Science survey class they are all classes that I am looking forward to, and it's not that I think I won't like the science class; I think I will.

Also, I will probably be involved in some way with the spring show. I'm crossing my fingers that Mike will realize that a musical is not a good idea and will do another play. If it is a musical I'm not certain that I can be in the cast with everything I have going on... but I'll still be involved... Who am I kidding? I think it's physically impossible for me not to show up at an audition.

Another exciting thing about this upcoming semester is my involvement in a drama ministry team. We will finally pull together our skits and take them to various churches and schools. Spring break will include suffering in Florida while sharing our skits.

Finally, I'm looking forward to getting a room to myself. My roommate from last semester is moving off campus and I've secured the room for myself. Now, Tobe, if you read this I'm not saying "good-riddance." Your presence on the hall will be missed. It will be nice, however, to be able to turn off the light when I go to bed and turn it on right when I get up. I won't have to sneak around in the morning or night trying to avoid waking up a room-mate. And I will get to spread out, I know this is sad, but my room at home is smaller than my dorm room. (anyone who has seen Beta will realize this)

All these factors, and more that I won't bother to mention right now make me want to get back to school. I'll be heading up Monday morning. I love my family, but it's about time for this break to be over and the work to resume.

2003-12-31T09:09:00.000-05:00

Ah, it's New Years Eve, 2003 is about to close. It is a time when people typically gather together, celebrate and take an accounting of what this past year has meant. Also, people plan for what they wish to do in the future.

So, do I have any New Years Resolutions? Nope, I've already been thinking about what I'd like to work on both in my personal life and other areas. These things are important to me. I don't want to think of them as simply a New Year's resolution. It strikes me that the Western mind likes to divide things into neat little sections and "boxes." Life is not really that way, events flow and transition smoothly, but sometimes jarringly from one stage of life to another. Afterwards we can look back and see sections of our life where important decisions were made, and trails endured to the betterment of character. Can something as arbitrarily set as the New Year truly mark a point were decisions should be strategically or ideally made? Perhaps sometimes, but less than we think, I imagine. When it becomes apparent an action is needed... is it not a good idea to reflect then make a decision at that time rather than waiting for some holiday to formally pursue that. I hope that when I realize something is lacking in me I will decide to pursue living the way I know I should that day or week and no later.

I will grant sometimes the New Year brings about reflection that sometimes kicks us into action. That is well and good, however I want to be moving towards a way of thinking that allows me to see areas of improvement more often than once a year.

Well, beyond the "resolution stuff" I will be going to a New Years Eve party. It will be at the house of a high school friend. There will probably be a lot of people I haven't seen for a year. I'm excited to be able to get to catch up with them. Now there are some dating relationships that have survived this 2 1/2 years since we graduated, but some of my friends will undoubtedly bring along their dates... I feel a bit sorry for these people, it has to be a touch uncomfortable only knowing one or two people at a party like this.

Well, this is the last post of the year... so far I've enjoyed doing it.

Till next year....

2003-12-29T18:00:00.000-05:00

Every so often I start a paper journal. My Sr. year in high school our English teacher taught us how to make our own. I ended up improving on his design (which he got from an earlier student) and making him hand-outs that I presume he's still using.

Anyway, journaling is a habit that I have only had modest success with. This blog is an experiment to see how I hold up in this medium. Being able to write down my thoughts is a valuable way to process things and to have a record of who I was and who I am becoming. I liked what this blog has allowed me to do, and so I started to write (sporadically) in an older journal of mine, one I made and covered with duct tape. As I perused it I saw that the majority of the entries were from my freshman year and a couple from the beginning of my sophomore year. I decided that the gap in time was a bit much so I started another one.

This continues a trend of me being unable to fill all the pages in a journal. Perhaps this new one will be different... I don't know. Only time will tell. If I do I will count it as a major accomplishment.

2003-12-25T09:02:00.000-05:00

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

2003-12-23T21:49:00.000-05:00

Every so often I sit back and evaluate what I entertain myself with. I look at the various television shows and movies that I watch and ask what they reveal about me. Some shows I watch because I like the premise and stories, others I like because they have snappy dialogue. For example, this evening my sister was watching an episode of Gilmore Girls. I didn’t watch the entire episode but that show’s writers have excellent wit. I haven’t watched the show enough to know if the stories are any good, but the dialogue is great.

A related question is, what makes stories compelling? What must a story have to make me sit up and take notice? What kind of stories move me? (Ok I realize that is a series of related questions.) As I think about it, there are a number of things that I really like to see in TV shows and movies.

1) Complex characters – It is very frustrating to watch a movie and see the characters that I’ve seen multiple times in other stories. Characters that only have a single motivation are one dimensional. I like to see characters that have conflicting desires. A sense of duty and/or honor is nice, but not necessary. Take the TV show Alias (one of my current favorites), there is a character named Arvin Sloan. He is a villain, an evil master-mind gunning for power. In the first two seasons we see him at work, trying to undermine everything that is good. However, he has a human side, a care and compassion for his ill wife. As an audience member you hate Sloan (the actor, Ron Rifkin, is amazing) but you feel sorry for him on the other hand and feel guilty about that feeling. Ambiguity is a good thing.

2) Angst or Suffering – This may raise some eyebrows, but I like it when a story has the characters suffer and go through tragedy. Real life is difficult, and tragedy and sorrow hit. Too many times popular media glosses over such realities and just wants to make you feel good. I applaud stories that are not afraid to kill main or well like characters. The struggle of Frodo in the Lord of the Rings is an excellent example.

3) Friendship – Relationships are key to any story. No person is an island. Take the Frodo example from above. He would have not made it very far if it hadn’t been for those around him, especially Sam. The willingness of another person to selflessly set aside who they are to help another person resonates deep with me. Selflessness is something that I try to emulate in my life. I may not be very successful at it but I’m inspired by stories that include it.

4) Gray areas – When I was in high school I thought in very black and white terms. I realized that there were tough moral and ethical quandaries that people faced, but they were easily solved. I’ve come to see that is too simplistic. Yes, there are some issues that are clear cut, but others put people in between a rock and a hard place. It is difficult to see a resolution that works out perfectly. I still appreciate a black and white situation, but when a character is embroiled in something messy, it makes me look inside and ask how I would react in a similar situation.

These four areas aren’t an exhaustive list of qualities that I like in a story, but they are key to what I find to be a compelling story. The gospel narratives are gripping because they portray Christ interacting with people in a way that transcends the norm. He is selfless and suffers, all for the sake of a kingdom that defies what conventional wisdom recommends. He goes beyond black and white by introducing a third option to many situations that was previously unthinkable.

With all this discussion of weighty themes and issues, it’s not to say that I enjoy a good romp once in a while. I enjoy sitting back at times and laughing at a comedy. However, when a story combines flawed, but honorable characters, some comic relief in snappy dialogue, and a series of ambiguous decisions/situations we have a winner in my book.

2003-12-22T22:32:00.000-05:00

It is a very different dynamic being home for an extended period of time during a break from school. I wrote in an earlier post about how most of my friends from high school live a half hour to 45 minutes away from me. When you mix that with a couple of other factors… my breaks can be difficult to adjust to at times.

At school, living in a dorm I am surrounded by people 24 7. When I come home it is just my family around. If I get to see anybody else it is because I go elsewhere, and that is more an exception than a rule. It is a good thing that I am an introvert, otherwise I would truly be tortured by breaks.

So what am I doing so far on this break? Not much. I have watched a couple of movies… there are a few more I’d like to see before it’s over. I’m reading a book entitled Evangelical Landscapes. It was a book that was incorporated this semester in a class that I’d already taken. I thought that it would be a good thing to read it. I’m a couple of chapters into it, so far it’s been a good book… not quite what I was anticipating, but nevertheless worth my time to read. I’m also working on studying College Algebra and American history so I can CLEP two classes… yeah… I’m behind schedule. No surprise there. I remember now why I typically uninstall computer games during a semester, they get in the way of productivity. Well, I guess I’ll just have to try to be more disciplined.

Discipline is another thing that I wish I had more of… some people are convinced that I have loads of it. I’m not too convinced of that all the time. For instance, being behind on studying for those CLEP exams, I’m having trouble getting motivated… even though they are pretty important. I suppose there is some difference between motivation and discipline, although they tend to walk hand in hand.

Another thing I miss during breaks is the ability to banter with people… I can’t do it with my mother… too often I go to far and hurt her feelings or something like that. My sister, well, she has given up on trying to beat me in an argument. My dad will do it sometimes, but there is only so much that he can do.

Well, this has probably been the most random and rambling of posts for a while… well, I guess this means that I am looking forward for the Spring semester. Don’t get me wrong, I am enjoying my break.

2003-12-20T23:17:00.000-05:00

I went to my cousin’s wedding today. It was very good. They put a lot of thought into the planning of the ceremony. It wasn’t just the typical format, but the scripture reading, music, and wedding sermon gave the wedding a distinctively Christian feel to it. I’ve been to weddings that any religious overtones seem to be simply an extra embellishment to the established formulae. This wedding, however, at its core cared about what scripture has to say about love.

I am very happy for my cousin and his new wife. I got a better sense of who they were because of this wedding. Since my cousin and family lived 8 hours away, I didn’t get to see him but 2 or 3 times a year max. That really isn’t enough to get to know a person very well, to see what their faith means. I realize that a wedding isn’t a substitute for Christian fellowship but nevertheless it displayed their priorities.

When I look at examples of godly relationships, I am reminded of my desire for them. I don’t just speak of the romantic/life partner kind but that particular desire is highlighted by events such as today. Sometimes it is very difficult to be patient and wait for God to reveal what his will is in this area, but I am willing. I believe that some day God will provide, not to what I want, but what he wants.

2003-12-17T20:32:00.000-05:00

I saw Return of the King today. It was incredible. Some films have special effects simply for show. Something is done just because it looks cool. This movie used the special effects to create the epic feel but did not abandon the much more important focus on the story’s characters. A lot of films have special effects that are out of place. The effects of this movie were so well integrated with the live action elements that the universe of Tolkien’s books felt real. The movie lingered longer than I anticipated. Movies usually cut away with the action of the story incomplete. The major events have past and the “clean up” is assumed. Return of the King, however, ended after a long series of good-byes and Sam entering his home with his family. In some ways I find that to be a most fitting ending for a movie. It shows what the battle was truly about.

Something that I really liked about this movie was the fact that there were two hobbit songs. One of the prominent elements of the books is food and singing. Both were glossed over by the first books. The first one was during a feast and was just passed by, but, for me, it was an important piece of that universe that had been missing. The second song carried appropriate grief over a son trying to win his father’s love with a futile attack.

Well, I don’t intend this to be a review of the film, let it suffice to say I recommend this film and I hope that they hand Peter Jackson a contract to make The Hobbit.

2003-12-16T22:41:00.000-05:00

The period of time after the completion of a semester is always an interesting one. Why? Grades are forthcoming. Now, I must be honest. I do get good grades. However, it was not always the case. Up through the 6th grade I was not an exceptional student. I was probably slightly above average, but not enough to distinguish myself. When I got into jr. high I improved, but I consistently had one class that gave me problems. Then, something clicked my first semester of high school and I pulled straight A's. It was then I realized what I was capable of... I finished out high school with a 4.0 average.

College introduced a new wrinkle, a tiered grading system that gave different GPA points for A-, B+ etc. I don't have a 4.0 any more, but I do hope to graduate summa cum laude.

Anyway, back to my original intent. When I am waiting for grades to come out it gives me a chance to see what I value about my education. I want affirmation that I performed well in a class. I've already know if I learned in a class or not. Sometimes, I wonder if I am too concerned with my grades. I've thought about it a lot. Grades can't objectively measure how hard on has worked, some have to bust their tails to get a C. They can't measure how much was learned, some courses and/or people don't test well. What they do report is how well I functioned under the educational system.

While I do want the A, I don't fret about my grades constantly. I do my best on my assignments... worry over the grade usually doesn't enter the picture. When I turn something in or take a test I try to avoid thinking and worrying about the grade. When you think about it once you've turned it in the grade is really set, all that is left is the wait and the revelation of what really happened.

When all is said and done the grade will only be worth what it represents. It has no intrinsic value. If the A is a reflection of hard work, learning, and growth of character, then it is worth something. In the end it is bringing glory to God and who I become (not in a vocational sense, but in the sense of character) that is of primary importance.

So, you were probably wandering how did my grades come in? All A's except a B+ in Greek Syntax.

And Tomorrow... Return of the King, I'm catching a matinee.

2003-12-14T18:30:00.000-05:00

It's my birthday today, 21 years old in fact.

This birthday has been fairly low key. One grandmother has pneumonia (she stayed at home) and my sister had to run off to a concert right after dinner.

So, did I party up my 21st and get drunk? Nope. What I did do was very out of character for me, I took a mid-day nap. At school it is a rare thing for me to take a nap, usually I find them to be counterproductive. I try to get all my sleep in one chunk at night. I usually get enough at night so that I don't need a nap, but if I do I keep awake and just try to go to bed earlier the next night.

I did get some good gifts, but that's not what I want to be all about. I have come to a point in my life where while I appreciate people giving me things, that's not what I want. I want to be around my family and friends and experience their lives with them. Gifts are usually inconsequential in the long run.

Well, my brain is still a bit foggy from my nap (another side effect, it take more effort to get moving and thinking after a nap). I think I shall go relax now.

2003-12-13T20:38:00.000-05:00

Went Christmas shopping today... don't really like shopping all that much.

Buying gifts can be frustrating. It's hard to know what a family member will want and/or like. That combined with the fact that I'm on a college student's budget makes it difficult to find gifts for all the people I'm buying for. Take today, I had a plethora of gift ideas for my dad. My mother? Ideas, yes, but I was in the wrong area to buy what she wanted (or at least the items that I could afford that she wanted). My sister? No ideas at all. I could get her any a movie or something of that nature, however, I've done that a lot and I think that it's time to find something else to give her. I've gotten her books in the past, but she has been very vocal about not wanting them.

My sister is smarter than me... I mean this in terms of sheer potential. However, I am the better student. She always had to ability to memorize a lot better than me. Unfortunately, my sister doesn't apply herself in the way that she could. I see her tending to coast. I went to college and discovered something about me, the desire to be a thinker... something more than just a good student. No, I don't want my sister to become a philosopher, but I would like to see her apply and stretch herself. I'm afraid that the community college she is attending will not push her enough and she will graduate with her associates and will not be equipped to think critically.

So, how do I encourage my sister to be a thinker? I gave her Mere Christianity and The Call (yes, I know some people out there are groaning at the latter). I don't think that she has read them yet. Sigh, I guess that I will just have to watch and pray that she catches a vision from somewhere, I'm not in a position to help much being away from home during the school year. I need to figure out a way that I can model what I hope for her while I am around. I wish that just shoving some good books her way would work... unfortunately, they can be a poor proxy for the direct involvement of a mentor. And, or course, they don't work if they aren't read.

So, how do I prod on my sister? I don't know, I guess I will just have to wade forward and see what doors God opens.

2003-12-12T21:58:00.000-05:00

My last final was my Greek Syntax final. When I finally turned it in an hour after getting it I was very relieved, even elated. One, because it was not as difficult as I thought it was going to be. Two, because it signaled the end of the Fall semester. It blew by with unprecedented speed. I enjoyed it very much.

There were several key things that happened this semester that taught and changed me. One such thing was going down to Atlanta for the meeting of the Evangelical Theological Society. ETS helped clarify where I want to go as a Christian. I do not want to be a part of rank and file of American Christianity that defines who they are by what we don’t do. My Greek class and studying 1 John also helped shape my thinking on this. A lot of people might be tempted to define a Christian as one who does not drink, smoke, and sleep around… or any other number of things that are classified as a sin. Yet, is it enough to define Christianity by where we will not go or what we will not do? Is defining a system by negative statements a good thing?

NO.

John clearly lays out Christianity as being characterized by “walking in the light.” There are two key components of said walking, loving others and loving God by (among other things) obeying the example that Jesus laid down. I have had some opportunities this semester to truly ask myself if I was operating out of unconditional love as opposed to any variety of selfish motivation. Sometimes I passed the test, other times I did not. In asking these questions of myself my faith has deepened in a way that I didn’t expect. I have found that my faith, my Christian experience is most real and tangible to me when I am involved with seeking to impact those around me in a way consistent with the love that 1 John talks about.

What am I getting at here? I want to see past the consumerism and feel good façade that has been draped over what Christianity is truly about. I don’t want to live my life in the latest Christian self-help craze. I want to think and have a dynamic and real theology that permeates who I am and what I do.

What happened this semester wasn’t just confined to how I define and live out Christianity, although I think that is the most exciting thing. I would continue, but I think that it might diminish from the significance of what’s written above. Christianity is not just a descriptor of what I do, but an essential description of who I am.

2003-12-07T00:52:00.000-05:00

Wow, the semester is practically over. All that remains is finals week, then I'm home for the holidays... studying for CLEP tests and a CDL (I need to clep math and a history credits so that I can graduate on time, I need extra licensing so I can drive a school van over Spring Break for a drama ministry team).

Now is not the time to do much reflecting on the semester... I'll do that sometime when I can sit down without the pressures of upcoming final exams. I will say this, I have learned a lot this semester. The things that I have learned took place both in the classroom and outside. More than any other semester I think I have discovered things about myself. My ideas and ideals about the future have come more into focus... blurry though they still may be.

I want to write more, but the clock right beside me looms large with the time, I will have to formulate my thoughts at another time.

2003-12-02T00:05:00.000-05:00

The noise on the hall is a bit loud tonight; I suppose it one of the “dangers” of dormitory living. I don’t have to get up early tomorrow so I won’t make a fuss.

I’ve been thinking about a question that gets asked every so often, usually at some sort of mixer. I dislike the question very much. It is “If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? Or “If you could change one thing about your past what would it be?” These questions seem to indicate dissatisfaction with the way things are. The first one also seems to presume the inability of a person to change… and depending on the issue I suppose may be possible or not.

So, how do I answer the question? I say nothing. I do not wish to be drastically changed right now and I do not want any event of my past expunged. When I talk about not changing the past I include the mistakes, unpleasant events and even sins. It is not that I cherish these things and don’t want to let them go, but the sheer fact of the matter that my past had contributed greatly to who I am. The mistakes and sins have proved to be teaching tools in my life.

Don’t get me wrong, there are times when I am frustrated with myself, times when I want to kick myself for not being able to move beyond something, especially a sin. In a sense it would be very nice if God instantly lifted away a sin, removed the appeal of certain things to me. Yet, God doesn’t seem to work this way, He has the funny way of taking me on a journey, a process. What we have here is what I think is one of the paradoxes of life and Christianity. God is certainly able to strip away the appeal and lure of sin. He could shore up the will and the intellect to reduce or eliminate mistakes. Yet, He delights and working through and in a sense with us to, more often than not, gradually moves us to where He wants us to be. In my weakness, God sees fit to move and work, to show his mighty power.

My weakness is a humbling thing to ponder. I struggle to keep things in perspective. I realize that certain people look to me to be a spiritual leader on campus. My actions are held to a higher standard. Every so often I’m tempted to think that if I just work hard enough, discipline myself enough so that I can hit the mark. It doesn’t take long for that thought to tumble like the poorly constructed building that it is. The more I try to force myself to change, the more I realize how something external to work on my internal is needed.

My prayer this evening is for God to change me. Not in one fell swoop, I am not so ambitious, but one thought at a time, one motive at a time, mold me and shape me to be more like Christ.

2003-11-29T20:07:00.000-05:00

Last night was fun, hanging out with the ole’ high school gang… I suppose that moniker could stand up to an update, but it’ll have to do. We hung out and talked over pizza and IBC root-beer. I did an informal survey and most of us were planning on pursuing some form of Master’s level education. Of course, all such plans can’t take into account “life variables,” as we termed them, but it is neat to see the vastly differing directions that my friends are taking. Accounting, engineering, architecture, ministry… I could keep on listing. We are each going different directions, yet still find a couple of times a year to catch up, I’m glad that I could go.

Of course there was plenty of small talk, but the most significant conversation of the evening revolved around one of my friends at OSU and the “creep” of anti-Christian sentiment, especially from the homosexual groups on campus. Attending a Christian school it is easy to lose sight of how different secular culture is. Some of the situations described are tough… when do we, as Christians, stand up and fight for our “rights?” I honestly don’t know the answer. There needs to be a balance between that and the effective witness of these organizations and the individuals that make them up. If they stand and fight they would bring down the rhetoric of the liberal voices. This is exactly why we need Christian thinkers, not just a handful writing books here and there, but permeating society. These issues are difficult to bear alone and those that choose to have my respect. How can I help my fellow believers in these situations? Obviously I will pray for them, but as someone studying the Bible and theology I can’t shake the sense that there must be something else that can be done. Perhaps it is not my place and/or calling. Perhaps someone else will be used specifically by God.

These situations gave me a lot to think of on my ride home. I couldn’t think too much about it, though. I had to focus on keeping my car under control. I left my friend’s house about midnight, unfortunately it had snowed and the wet roads had black ice in places; the crews that are normally out spreading salt and sand didn’t venture out. I like driving in slick conditions when no-one else is around, it’s fun to do doughnuts in an abandoned parking lot or to fish-tail when going around a corner. However, when you are on the interstate and the car starts to slip, well, it can be a bit disconcerting. Fortunately, God provided traveling mercies to me, although it took me an hour and 15 minutes to go what normally takes me 45 minutes (one of the disadvantages of a Christian high school, all those friends are a ways away from me).

Well, I don’t claim to have answers to the issues facing my brothers and sisters in Christ in the secular university, but I wish the best for them and I am praying.

2003-11-27T20:47:00.000-05:00

Ah, Thanksgiving, a time of food, family, and interesting happenings.

Let me offer this proof of how small the world is. My cousin's fiancée is finishing her college education, she is an education major. Well, she was at the house today with my cousin for Thanksgiving. She mentioned that she was taking a Christian ethics course via correspondence with another school, not the one that I attend. Something went off in my mind and I asked her what the prof’s name was. Well, as it turns out she has the same prof for ethics that I do. He commutes in from another state and teaches distance ed course for this other school. What are the odds, same prof, two different schools? Seems that they are pretty remote.

Well, beside that bit of excitement, this Thanksgiving has been fairly usual. I had a good talk with my dad last night when my mother and sister went out to shop. It was good to let him know how I was doing in school, personally, and talk about my future plans. I respect my father very much. I thank God for him. Yes, there are things that I don’t see eye to eye with him on, but I’ve never had occasion to doubt his sincerity or love for me. I trust him explicitly.

I’m also excited about tomorrow. No, I don’t have plans to hit the stores at 6 AM, although my sister was scoping out the ads in the paper today. I will be asleep when she leaves. Later in the evening I will be getting together with some old high school friends of mine. I still keep in occasional contact with them, but it’ll be nice to catch up on where the Lord is leading each one of them. We’ll also have a lot to talk about with our high school changing colors, mascot/nickname, and most importantly – location. It feels like some of the ole’ roots are being pulled.

Well, this has been a random entry… not too much time to focus on a single theme. I am enjoying Thanksgiving very much, I hope that anyone who reads this is/did too.

2003-11-24T18:38:00.000-05:00

ETS Reflection

A thick folder lies on my desk in front of me. In it are all the copies of papers that I picked up at ETS. Most are fairly plain looking papers, white paper and black ink, standard stuff. Then, there is this bright yellow paper, radiant among the “normal” papers.

Yes, this paper is set off by its color, however it also mocks me. Of all the papers I went to this one was the hardest to follow during when I heard it. The title? “Logos and Logic: Reflections on How Thinking Can (and Ought To) Be Christocentric” It was written by Edward Martin, a philosophy professor at Liberty University. The concept of relations was heavily utilized among other items of logic.

Despite the fact that I had trouble following this paper it is an intriguing one. As I’ve skimmed it for further reflection I don’t get the idea that it is impossibly above me. Instead I am excited about the possibilities and refining of my thinking that can come from the reading of it.

That is why I am here at college studying the Scriptures, why I went off to Atlanta to attend this conference. Being a good thinker is critical to the Great Commission laid out at the end of Matthew’s gospel. It is easy to become lax here at school, to fall into the daily grind and only go through the motions. But, when I put myself in stretching situations I can grow. When I reread this yellow paper I will understand it better than when I first heard it. Will I get all of it? Probably not. Yet, each step forward allows my thinking to be more consistent and my spiritual walk to grow.

The funny thing is the more I peer into the vast expanse that is scholarship, the more I realize that there is so much out there that I will not know and learn, even if I study all my life. It is a humbling prospect. In high school you tend to think that you know everything. It takes an education to realize how little you know. Some may pull back at the prospect of this moving forward without a visible ceiling, but it makes me want to reach as far as God sees fit to let me go.

I came to school with the idea that I wanted to enter “the ministry.” It was a nebulous idea(l), a field of service that would most likely end up in the pastorate somewhere. Yet, as I move on I realize that I want to be much more than a pastor, I want to be a scholar. (who knows, perhaps I'll be both) Yes, people have called me that here at school, but no, I’m not. At least, not yet. This school, no the evangelical world is full of my peers who cannot or who will not think (I suspect the later to be the case). It frustrates me. We are called to love God with all of our being, mind included.

So, when I look at the journey ahead, it does intimidate me. It will be one both difficult and long. Yet, I trust that it will be one that honors God and furthers his kingdom.

2003-11-22T00:28:00.000-05:00

I had a thoroughly good time at ETS this past week. The experience is a hard one to package into words. The format was very much like last year. I had a schedule of paper titles. Each day I would rummage through the schedule, looking for titles that intrigued me. Unfortunately, there were a lot of papers that I wanted to go to the first day but because I can’t be in two places at, obviously, I couldn’t get to all of them. As the conference winded down the number of papers that caught my eye decreased. I found myself wishing that I could rearrange the schedule so that I could make it to all the interesting paper titles.

The best paper I went to was called “The search for the Hysterical Jesus: Harbingers of a Diminished Orthodoxy and an Ecclesiology from Below.” The general idea of the paper is that churches are shifting from providing a solid theological basis to what they do to a largely emotional and performance appeal to draw people into church. Church then becomes performance based and there is little to no substance to the church’s faith. This paper was also enhanced by the use of humor and pop-culture references to make their point.

Unfortunately, most of the papers are devoid of humor. Now, this is not a big critique. The goal of the sessions is to spread ideas and promote discussion. Academics are not stand up comedians. However, when a scholar takes the time to insert some sly wit in a paper it is much appreciated.

I learned a lot this week. It will take me a while to process all the ideas that came my way. I attended papers on Dispensationalism, C.S. Lewis, Ezekiel, Spiritual Formation, Ethics, Jonathan Edwards, Patristic Fathers, Philosophy, and the list could continue. Most of the sessions that I attended provided hard copies of the papers that were read. This will allow me to revisit those ideas so I can evaluate them. There is also a system that I can request papers to be emailed to me.

While the theme of this year’s conference was Jesus, open theism was a huge issue at the conference. Briefly, open theism believes that God, for the sake of relationship and giving humans free will, has limited his knowledge of the future. Two authors, Clark Pinnock and John Sanders were under fire for comments that they made regarding prophecy. Their accusers felt that their position denied the inerrancy of scripture, which is included in the societies statement of faith. It came to a vote and they were not excluded, although one of them, Sanders came close to expulsion/excommunication.

I would love to write more, however I am very tired after the long ride back from Atlanta today. No doubt I will continue reflecting on this on posts to come.

2003-11-17T11:56:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow I will be getting up dark n' early; bright and early doesn't work because the sun is definitely not up at 4:00 AM. You may ask, why would I be getting up that early? I am leaving at 5 that morning for Atlanta, GA for the annual meeting of the Evangelical Theological Society. Yes, it is a theological conference.

So, what happens at these conferences? A bunch of really smart theologians read papers that they have prepared and then there is interaction and debate around the ideas presented. Oh, and I shouldn't forget the books. Just about every major Christian publisher will be there offering their books at 50% off list price, I will be spending way too much money this week :).

I went last year and it was a stretching and enjoyable time for me. I went last year mostly because of a friend's influence. After he convinced me to go it turned out that he couldn't make it. Ironic, isn't it? There I was challenged by the level that the presenters were thinking at. It made me want to be able to think like that. I have a long way to go, but I look forward to the journey.

So I will be challenged this week to be more intellectually rigorous and I will feel like a kid in a candy store, with lots of topics that I want to hear about and more books to buy than resources allow.

2003-11-14T20:24:00.000-05:00

My freshman year of college I started to attend a local church. The first or second week that I attended it was announced in the Sunday school class that there was an opening for a weekend custodian. I had not lined up any employment at the time, so I was interested. I spoke to the youth pastor but I wasn’t certain if custodial work was what I wanted to do. I hemmed and hawed between applying for the job and just letting it slide. Then I heard someone else asking about the job. That lit a fire under me. I called and met with an associate pastor. I left the church with a set of keys. If you think about it, it is somewhat ironic. After three weeks or so of attending this church, they give me keys that will open every door!

As I look at various decisions in my life, I laugh at myself. Sometimes I can be so indecisive. The things that make a person get up off their rear and move are revealing about what makes that person tick. However, this wasn’t what I set off to comment on for this entry. What makes me tick will have to come out in bits and pieces.

The reason why I started about my job is because I want to comment on it. I am in my third year of cleaning the church and the Christian elementary school that is one of the church’s ministries. There are days that I am, frankly, tired of that job. I frequently have to keep my weekends, Friday nights and Saturday mornings fairly free and clear of activities so I can get the job done. There have been days that I have thought very seriously about quitting this particular job. I have a campus job also. It would not be as if my income would stop if I did.

However, there are a couple of things that keep me vacuuming those floors, taking out trash, and the dealing with unexpected restroom complications. First, I honestly do consider this job a ministry. I am paid for this, but working on weekends is not a position that is easy to fill. Second, I would be dishonest if I didn’t admit that the paycheck is another reason for staying. Third, this job gives me time to think.

I know that music is a huge part of my generation’s psyche. I constantly see my peers with headphones on and the music blares here in the dorm. I used to listen to music while I cleaned, but then I stopped. With the quiet and solitude that I often have from being in the building alone I can think. Just this evening I was cleaning and musing about the details of this week. The time alone allows me to examine myself.

Do I spend my time in a philosophical/theological daze? Is my attitude always correct? No, I must admit that there are times when I am muttering because of a particularly big mess.

I think back to an experience that I had last year that has transformed this job for me. I came across a friend who was working in the library. His assigned task was to go through a section of the stacks and look at each book to make certain that they were still in order. I was a bit dismayed at the tedious nature of that task and I mentioned it to him. His response has helped to shape my thinking about my current job. He told me that although this task was monotonous that he looked at it as an act of worship to God.

I was taken aback, even a bit ashamed of my initial comment. His good attitude amazed me. Serving God doesn’t require some big and interesting scheme. Serving and worshiping God can be as simple as scrubbing a toilet or trying to get candle wax out of carpet.

So, whenever my job gets me down, I try to remember that it too can be an act of worship and service.

2003-11-10T23:11:00.000-05:00

One of the blessings (or trials, depends on when you ask me) of studying God's word here at college is the Greek experience. The first two semesters were a real challenge. Rules of grammar seemed to lurk around every corner. There seemed to be thousands of little details that needed to be remembered, to be exactly replicated in some paradigm on a stress-filled midterm or final. If I had not needed a third semester of Greek to graduate I probably would have said "Enough!" and be settled to read my English Bible and never think of Greek again.

However, I am so glad that I had to take this third semester. When I was entrenched in learning the basics of Greek grammar, it was just that, grammar. Sure, our examples were drawn from the text of the Bible, but they came out in single sentences or fragments of sentences. Devoid of context those words of truth seemed to be a little less important... but they couldn't be any less important they were the Word of God... yet it was hard to get into Greek.

This semester is different! We are working through 1st John right now. We are digging through a text that is true, that still has power to speak to us today. It's exciting! Anyone who has had studied a second language knows that translation is not a word for word thing. There can be multiple options in how to render a word. It is an incredible feeling to hold two decisions in either hand and say as Tevye in Fiddler On the Roof said, "On the one hand... but on the other hand..." It is an awesome responsibility to handle correctly the word of God. Yet, that responsibility has become fun. Sounds crazy, no? But it is fun, difficult, and stimulating all at the same time.

So, I went from thinking about taking as little Greek as I could to graduate, to working hard to figure out how in the world I could possibly fit in another semester while I was in college. This change in me speaks to a lot of things, but I think that it speaks to the awesome power of God's word the most.

*disclaimer* I am not saying that one needs a knowledge of Greek and/or Hebrew to properly handle scripture, but it is a big help in doing so and if you have the opportunity to learn a biblical language, take it!

2003-11-06T22:26:00.000-05:00

"Those who say that they believe in God and yet neither love nor fear him, do not in fact believe in him but in those who have taught them that God exists. Those who believe that they believe in God, but without any passion in their heart, any anguish of mind, without uncertainty, without doubt (emphasis mine), without an element of despair even in their consolation, believe only in the God-idea, not in God."
-Miguel De Unamuno

So, what place does doubt have in the Christian faith? I think that many Christians fear it. There is pressure at times to have everything figured out, to have total confidence.

Well, I think that's impossible. If God can be totally understood by me then HE IS NOT GOD. He is just another being that is within my grasp, something that can theoretically be controlled. However, if he is transcendent, beyond me, then I cannot understand him completely. Thus, doubt is not the opposite of faith but an integral part of it! By being able to say "I don't know, I don't understand" and still believe, doesn't that say more than if I got it all.

I must nuance this, doubt can be destructive; it can rip a person from the faith. However, when doubt is honestly admitted and wrestled with I think it can be a very good thing.

To understand perfectly removes all possibility of faith.

2003-11-04T21:49:00.000-05:00

So, why did I pick a blog title with such a blatant Christian/religious theme to it?

Well, I have been thinking of late how, if a person is a follower of Christ, that should have an impact on every area of his or her life. True Christianity is about a relationship with God that reaches to every fiber of a person's being. It becomes a part of the definition of who I am. It's not to be something that I simply do.

With that in mind, I am painfully aware of how selfish I can be at times. Often, I behave as if the world revolves around me. It doesn't. Scripture says that all things were created by and for Christ. So, here at a Christian college, I encounter people who's speech is continually flavored by phrases such as, "praise God" or constantly attributing things to God. Then, I examine my speech and thoughts. I am forced to conclude that I don't talk or think about God nearly (in my estimation) enough. Am I saying that every conversation that I have needs to touch on God in some way, shape, or form? No. However, I am saying that unless I am consciously looking for God, and seeking to live my life as a continual act of worship and service to God I will miss the point.

Therefore, this blog (at least at this time) is a tool that I can be reminded every time that I post to it, keep my Creator in mind. Perhaps, as I do it in this context it will spill over into verbal speech more and more.

2003-11-03T20:53:00.000-05:00

The question of the day was, "So, are you glad that it's over?" (regarding the play) This was the inquiry that was posed to me multiple times today... I think it was over half a dozen. Although, I suppose it would be more fun to slip into hyperbole and say that a million people asked me that. But I won't.

So, am I glad?

Yes and No.

Yes, I will not miss the long hours that has consumed my life, especially these past two or three weeks where I was spending almost 4+ hours a day working on the play in some fashion. I look forward to actually having some recreational time. Also, I can focus on getting ahead of my school work. (I'm sorry that all you procrastinators want to kill me right now, but that's just the way I am)

No, I will miss the friendships that I deepened and formed with the show. I'll miss the opportunity to shoot off a prayer with someone just before the show starts. I'll miss swapping stories of theatrical exploits between scenes... or in my case during the entire first act while I sit and wait for act two to arrive. Yes, that context for relationship will be missed.

However, it is the nature of things to have life move on. Things change, that's the way that God made things. If everything remained static we'd have no opportunity to grow beyond where we are right now. I guess the challenge is to demonstrate that those friendships are really worth something by seeking a new, non-play context to continue growing them.

So overall, no, I am not sad that the play has passed. Rather, I am happy that I have an opportunity to grow.

2003-11-02T20:41:00.000-05:00

One of the talents that God has given me is the ability to act. It is something that I really enjoy doing. I find that acting is both rewarding for the challenge and the relationships that are built during the course of a show. Well, I just finished a show this weekend, Little Women. Overall it was a good show. It was stretching because it was the first "romantic" part that I have ever played. However, the gal that I got to act with was very talented at it was a joy to work with her. I also got to forge friendships with a couple new people. This was very good. I find that in my third year of college my friends are more set than previously. It takes me more effort to make new ones because I already have a good number of them.

Just a word of play etiquette, if there is a receiving line after a show there are a few things that you should take in mind. 1) The actor is glad that you came 2) The actor is a bit exhausted after the show 3) unless you are the first person through the line the actor has heard very limited variation on "Good Job!" 4) Because of this limited variation the actor is likely tiring of hearing "Good Job!" Therefore, you might make his/her evening if you show creative compliments or constructive comments.

Well, I shall have to write further about Little Women at a later date. Above the fun and the friendships that I had during the show, I hope that the effort and the attitude that the show was approached with was honored and glorified God. His applause is the only thing that truly matters.

2003-10-31T15:10:00.000-05:00

What does one write for the first entry? Will it be something as simple as "test?" Or, will it be a long philosophical musing? Let me just explain the title Theosebeia. It is a Greek word dealing with service or the worship of God, which I believe is the highest aim for any life. This blog will be about me and more importantly about the one who made me.